How Many Times Do I Need to Learn Something Before It Sticks?

I’ve noticed that all my learning and change really does come “line upon line, precept upon precept” (2 Nephi 28:30). Every time I think I’ve learned everything I need to know about something, I run into another hang-up spot and realize there is more for me to learn. Luckily, the Lord is a patient teacher.

Since learning the truths about emotional dependency that I shared in my last post, I have run into more situations where these feelings have come up for me, and I’ve had to sort out what’s going on and how to best understand and handle those emotions.

I think giving up the relationships where I struggle with emotional dependency is a cop-out—I want to be able to keep those relationships and learn to engage in them in healthy ways. Just disengaging from those relationships doesn’t teach me anything; staying in the struggle to learn how to manage my instinct to go into emotional dependency in those relationships teaches me a lot more (I do have to be careful not to put the burden of solving my emotional dependency on the people I am tempted to become emotionally dependent on—I’ve lost friendships that way in the past. Solving my emotional dependency issues is my job, not theirs).

In pondering my most recent run-in with emotional dependency, I realized I need to relearn a lesson I’ve learned before: I need to stop trying to control things that are outside of my control.

I think a good way to explain what is going on for me in some of these situations is that when someone is really important to me and I value my relationship with them a lot, I’m tempted to try to control not only my side of the relationship, but also the other person’s side. I’m afraid of losing something that’s so precious to me, so I try to control not only how I feel about the other person, but also how they feel about me. This is a losing battle and creates a ton of anxiety for me.

As God has taught me before, the truth is, no matter what I do, other people get to decide how they feel about me and how much time they can/want to invest in their relationship with me. I can’t control other people or their side of our relationship. Only they can. When I try to control things outside of my control, there are several things that happen:

• I feel anxious

• I need constant reassurance that I am loved so I know whether my attempts to control the other person and my relationship with them are working or not

• I come across as needy and manipulative, which is likely to decrease the other person’s desire to spend time with me

Needless to say, not only does trying to control other people not work, but it often has the opposite effect of the one I intended. And it definitely makes me feel less secure in the relationship rather than more secure, which is what my attempt at control is supposed to accomplish in the first place. Lose-lose.

My conclusion to all this is, it’s my job to be aware of my own desires and to clearly communicate them to other people. It’s other people’s job to let me know if their responsibilities, priorities and desires line up in such a way that they are able/willing to accept any invitations my desires lead me to extend to them. I don’t need to control anything about other people’s desires or responses to me. When I ask a question or extend an invitation, I am just gathering information about other people’s availability and desires—their response doesn’t mean anything about me or about my relationship with them.

Basically, I have to let go of the control that I don’t actually have anyway, and I will find myself in a much more peaceful place. That’s my emotional dependency lesson for today—one that I will probably need to be reminded of a few more times before my brain gets itself re-wired well enough to hold onto it 😜

The Truth About Emotional Dependency

Emotional dependency is something I’ve struggled a lot with in my life. 

For a long time I didn’t know I was becoming emotionally dependent on people—I just thought I was loving them. Untangling what was healthy love from what was unhealthy emotional dependency was a long, painful process. It took years of hard work and lots and lots of tears.

Even now (I’m embarrassed to admit), I find myself tempted sometimes to walk the emotional dependency road. Sometimes I feel a lot of shame about that. Ashamed to be struggling again with the same thing I worked so hard to overcome. 

Every time this temptation comes up for me though, I learn something new and gain a little more insight into myself and why this is a problematic way to relate to others. 

The hardest part is convincing my brain that emotional dependency really is a bad thing. My brain is pretty convinced that becoming less emotionally dependent on someone means becoming less invested in that person and my relationship with them. When I really like someone, becoming less invested feels like the wrong thing to do. It’s harder to break a habit when your brain is so convinced that what you’re trying to do to help your relationships is actually hurting them.

This time around in my battle with emotional dependency, the new thing I’ve realized that has helped me is that when I’m in that emotional dependency place, I’m not really loving the person I’m emotionally dependent on; I’m trying to get them to love me. Realizing that helps my brain understand that emotional dependency is not love. I’m trying to get something from someone, not give to them (all my giving is ultimately an effort to extract love and validation from this person, and when they don’t give it in the way I hope or expect, I experience a lot of negative emotions). 

I realized that when I’m not in that emotional dependency place, my overall experience of the relationship is much more positive. I find myself more grateful for the opportunities I do have to spend time with this person. I trade in the heavy and complicated emotions I feel about them when I’m in a dependent place for a more simple enjoyment of their company. When I am in an emotionally dependent place, I experience a lot more anxiety and feelings of lack in the relationship. Being able to go back and forth and see the good fruit of healthy love and the bad fruit of emotional dependency helps me gain my own testimony that emotional dependency is hurting me and my relationships, not helping them. 

Emotional dependency is not about loving people in a selfless way; it’s about taking from people in a self-centered way. And the fruit it yields is an increase in negative emotions and a decrease in gratitude for the goodness that is being offered to me. That’s the truth I’ve learned about emotional dependency.

There Is No Peace to the Wicked

During my scripture reading this week, I came across Isaiah 57:21, which says,

“There is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked.”

I would like to testify of the truthfulness of these words.

I think sometimes we use the terms “wicked” and “righteous” in an us versus them kind of way. We, the righteous followers of Christ, versus them, the wicked people of the world. I think that’s a very simplistic view. Every child of God on the earth does some things that are righteous and some things that are wicked. All disciples of Christ act in wickedness at least some of the time, and all people who don’t consider themselves followers of Christ act righteously in plenty of areas of their lives. It’s not as simple as righteous people versus wicked people—we are all a messy mix of both. And for all of us, our wickedness often comes not from a desire to do wickedness, but from good intentions that result in wickedness due to a lack of knowledge. Whether we realize we’re acting in wickedness or not, our acts of wickedness cannot bring peace, no matter how well-intentioned or justified we may feel those actions are.

For the purposes of our discussion today, we’re going to assume that the term “wicked” or “wickedness” simply means not in line with God and His love. I don’t want people getting hung up on the strong negative connotation of the word and using that to justify the small ways that they are not acting righteously. Thinking, what I do isn’t that bad compared to someone who murders people, for example. Such comparisons and trivializing of your own wicked acts is not going to serve you. Any level of wickedness, of not being in line with God and His love, is going to interfere with your peace. And I don’t know about you, but I’m always looking for more peace in my life.

I’ve noticed in my own life that when my peace is replaced by negative emotions such as fear or anxiety, it’s usually because I’m trying to control things that are outside of my control. And often what I’m trying to control is other people and their choices. That’s the wickedness that is stealing my peace. God gave all of His children agency—the ability to choose for themselves and to learn and grow through the act of making their own choices. When I try to control other people and their choices to make myself feel better, I am trying to implement Satan’s plan instead of God’s, and it doesn’t feel good. It hurts me, and it hurts my relationships with others. I’m operating from a place of fear and judgment instead of from a place of love and trust, and this is not God’s way. And it does not bring peace, no matter how well-intentioned my efforts to manipulate others into making the choices I want them to make are.

Back when I was emotionally dependent on other people, I dedicated a lot of time and effort to loving and serving others—especially those that I was emotionally dependent on. 1 John 4:18 claims, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” I knew something was up, because I was full of fear. I kept trying to figure out how to achieve this perfect love that was without fear, without torment, but I couldn’t figure it out. All my good intentions of loving and serving others weren’t producing the desired results because I lacked knowledge. I couldn’t see the wickedness I was doing that was keeping me from perfect love and peace. How could loving and serving other people have any wickedness in it?

But mine did. What I was calling love was all mixed up with things that weren’t love at all. I read a description of someone who serves with strings attached, trying to earn love, acceptance, a sense of security, etc. through their service, and I knew it was me. I couldn’t find any peace in my relationships because I was trying to control how other people felt about me instead of just loving me and loving them and letting them make their own choices about how they wanted to feel about me and how much time/effort they felt good about investing in our relationship. I wasn’t truly seeing and loving them as they were and caring about what was best for them; I was trying to get them to love and take care of me so I could feel good about myself and my life. I was trying to get them to create purpose for me, rather than creating purpose for myself. And it wasn’t working. They were feeling suffocated by my neediness, and no matter how much love and attention they gave me, I was still a bottomless pit of need that could never be filled. They couldn’t save me, no matter how much they or I wanted them to be able to, and the wickedness of trusting in the arm of flesh to do that for me instead of the Savior was robbing me of peace.

When I could finally see what I was doing that was hurting me and my relationships, I could finally take steps towards abandoning my wicked practices and replacing them with that perfect love that casteth out fear. It really did require a whole new understanding of what true Christlike love is, built up arduously line upon line, precept upon precept, over many months and years. The process of changing an entire erroneous mindset and pattern of relating to others is brutal. At least it was for me. So many tears. Feeling like the emotional pain I was experiencing would never go away.

But then one day it did. One day I realized that I could remember the negative emotions I used to feel in certain situations, but I didn’t feel them anymore. I had been healed. My heart had been changed. My torment had been replaced with peace. The knowledge I had gained had finally allowed me to replace my wicked practices with more righteous ones, and I was reaping the benefits of thinking and acting in ways that were more in line with God and His love. And I felt so much more peace. And joy. It was always there for me, but I was blocking it by living in ways that were incompatible with joy and peace. I had learned for myself that “there is no peace…to the wicked,” even when you’re sinning in ignorance. That’s why we can’t be saved in ignorance. It’s becoming a person capable of understanding and living in line with divine love and truth that makes the incredible joy and peace of exaltation possible. God wants to give us all the blessings He has, but He can only give us as much as we are able and willing to receive. What we are able to receive is limited by our ability to apply righteous principles in our lives and abandon wicked ones that lead to misery rather than peace.

Do you need more peace in your life? Pray. Study the scriptures. Study the words of other wise men and women who can help you see where you might be getting tripped up with wicked practices that you can’t see yet. Ask the question, “Lord, is it I?”, and listen for His answer. In what ways are you blocking your own peace? It takes a lot of courage to face our own sins and weaknesses, but I can testify that that is the path to peace. It’s in changing ourselves, not others, that we will find the peace we seek. I testify of these things, in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ, amen.

Love and Service Redefined

When encouraged to list their strengths, I have often heard women say things like “I am selfless to a fault” or “I would do anything for anybody.” I also used to think being willing to make huge sacrifices to help others at any moment with any need they had was a virtue. 

Statements like this make me cringe a little now though. What I hear in them is an inability/unwillingness to set healthy boundaries—a problem I definitely used to struggle with in certain relationships. I really thought my unwillingness to set boundaries around what I was willing to sacrifice to help these friends and family members was a positive thing about me that made me an especially good friend. In reality, it was a method I was using to try to control these relationships and ensure that those friends/family members would keep loving me and be willing to help me when I was in need. Subconsciously, I was trying to control their opinions of me and obligate their love and service, rather than allowing them to make their own choices about how much love and service they wanted or were able to offer me. 

The problem with over-sacrificing and not setting healthy boundaries is it sets us up to have a victim mentality and actually breeds resentment that hurts our relationships. The person over-sacrificing feels resentful that others don’t seem to be willing to make the same level of sacrifice to help them. Those they are sacrificing to help can feel the underlying expectation that if they are a good person/friend they will also drop everything in their life to meet the other person’s needs, even when that may not be in their best interest. This implied obligation to prove their love in a similar way can also create resentment. 

The idea of sacrificing all our own needs to meet others’ needs is often held up as a standard of excellence in our society, perhaps especially in religious circles. After all, didn’t Christ sacrifice everything for us? And aren’t we supposed to follow His example? 

Perhaps the distinction here is that we’re supposed to be willing to sacrifice everything to follow God’s will. He’s the one we’re commanded to give all our heart, might, mind and strength to. Why? Because He knows what sacrifices will bless us. 

The commandment regarding other people is to love other people as ourselves. Not more than ourselves, and not less than ourselves. As ourselves. Our needs are just as valid as the needs of any other person. We should be very wise about the love and service we offer to ensure we are not undermining our own needs in the process, because in the long run that will neither bless us nor the person we are serving. Other people are not God—they do not know what sacrifices will bless us and what sacrifices will overburden us and make us unable to care for ourselves and our own stewardships. We are responsible for using our agency to make those calls, and we should not give that responsibility away to others. 

Those are just some thoughts I was having today that I wanted to share. May we all be wise in how we choose to love and serve that our love and service might truly be a blessing to us and to those we serve.

Stay Close to the Lord

I was at a high school graduation party for my nephew tonight where we were asked to write down our advice for the new graduate. For some reason there was a general consensus amongst several family members that the advice I had to share would be especially wise and worthwhile. When I said the advice I had given my nephew could be applied to anyone in any situation, I was encouraged to share that advice with a broader audience. So, I thought, what the heck, I’ll write a blog post about it. After all, who doesn’t like a generous helping of unsolicited advice from time to time 😜

In a nutshell, my advice to my nephew was this: stay close to the Lord. I don’t know of any better advice one could give or receive than that. Other lessons I have learned in my life may or may not be applicable to other people, but drawing close to the Source of All Truth who loves you perfectly and does know exactly what you personally need to learn and do to progress and find joy and peace—that is something that would be of great benefit to everyone in every situation.

I have learned from my own personal experience that God lives, that He knows and loves each of His children intimately, and that He can be trusted and relied on. When I have chosen to turn to Him and seek comfort and guidance from His hand, I have been blessed immeasurably. Everything that I most value in my life has come from Him, and I am eternally grateful for those blessings, particularly blessings of knowledge that allow me to see my life more clearly and truthfully, which has led to a huge increase in the joy and peace I experience in my life and in my capacity to bless the lives of others.

Jesus says, “I am the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6). If you are wondering where to go in your life, seek Jesus. He will show you the way to go, teach you the truths you need to know, and help you create the best and most worthwhile life possible. Trust Him, seek Him, stay close to Him—there is no better way to find joy and peace in your life and to reach your divine potential than that. I bear witness of these truths, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Some Thoughts on Charity, the Pure Love of Christ

I gave a talk on charity at church a week ago, and I thought some of the thoughts I shared in that talk would be worth sharing here.

Thought #1: Our love for others should not be conditional on their behavior or treatment of us/others

Scripture: Matthew 5:43-48
43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

Discussion: We find all sorts of ways to justify treating others unkindly, and the voice of society often backs us up, agreeing that so-and-so deserves harsh or unkind treatment because of this, this, and this. “Bad” people do not deserve love or kindness. Jesus Christ disagrees. In this scripture, Jesus strips away the validity of all of our excuses for unkind treatment of others. We are NEVER justified. We must love, forgive, pray for, and be kind to EVERYONE, regardless of what they have done or how they might have treated us or others. EVERYONE is a child of God with potential for good, whatever you might think of them or however they may currently be using their agency. Love, kindness, and forgiveness are always called for.

Quote: Marvin J. Ashton, April 1992 General Conference
“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else; when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.

Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped.

Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weaknesses and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.”

Personal Experience: This quote was really helpful for me in a situation with a friend a few years ago when I was starting to feel like a victim. I needed to be reminded to be patient and kind and willing to forgive and give her the benefit of the doubt. I also needed to try to see things from her point-of-view.

Discussion: Have you ever noticed that when you start feeling like a victim your love and compassion for the other person decreases, and you can only see how their actions are affecting you? You kind of start seeing them in this one-dimensional way—as someone who is hurting you—instead of a 3-dimensional person with their own concerns and hardships and struggles. It’s hard to see other people in a true, charitable way when we get into that victim mindset.

Thought #2: What does giving someone the benefit of the doubt or expecting the best of each other look like?

Discussion: I think an important part of that whole giving someone the benefit of the doubt idea is going off the assumption that people care about you and are not trying to hurt you.

Quote: President Uchtdorf, April 2016 General Conference
“The great enemy of charity is pride.”
“Pride assumes evil intent where there is none.”

Discussion: I think this whole assuming evil intent where there is none happens way too often in our society today. However, even when people do not have evil intent, they still manage to say and do all sorts of things that we may find hurtful or unhelpful. So what should we do when someone hurts us or does not handle something in the way we might have hoped? Obviously we are commanded to forgive them. But if we are assuming that their intention was to help us, not hurt us, but the way they showed their love and concern for us was not helpful, don’t you think that if they truly care about us that they would appreciate us letting them know that their attempt to help us was unsuccessful and that something else would actually be more helpful to us? I think we often shy away from those kinds of honest conversations, preferring to silently resent the infraction or complain about that person’s behavior to someone else. But I would submit that if we want to show true charity to someone, we need to be honest with them—in a kind, loving way, not a harsh, accusatory way—and give them the opportunity to apologize and change and show their love to us in a more helpful way. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt means assuming that if they had known what would be most helpful to us that’s what they would have done; rather than punishing others for not yet being omniscient like our Heavenly Father, we need to take responsibility for communicating honestly and giving them the information they need to love and serve us in the way that is most helpful to us. In this way we both have the opportunity to learn and grow together in knowledge and love.

Personal Experience: I am a particular fan of this type of honest communication because it changed my life. That same friend I mentioned earlier, it was a good thing the Spirit kept reminding me to treat her with charity through that Marvin J. Ashton quote, because it turned out that she was also feeling like a victim because of weaknesses I had that were hurting her. When she finally chose to communicate honestly with me about my weaknesses and the negative effects they were having on her, I had the opportunity to see myself more truthfully, apologize, and change. Having someone point out your weaknesses to you is never a pleasant experience—in fact it was extremely painful—I shed many, many tears—but in the end I was so grateful to her for helping me see my weaknesses more clearly so that I could change and become better. Change was slow and difficult, but through the process I came to know my Savior more intimately and to trust Him more completely, and He truly changed my heart. I am a different person now than I was before, and the changes I’ve made have brought so much more peace and joy into my life. My friend showed her love for me by communicating honestly with me and then forgiving me and continuing to show me love and friendship as I worked to change. We are both better for the experience and our friendship has been strengthened through it.

Thought #3: Sometimes God shows His love for us by chastening us

Scripture: Hebrews 12:6
“For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth.”

Discussion: This statement sounds so counterintuitive, doesn’t it? Why would you chasten someone you love?

Scripture: Hebrews 12:10
“[The Lord chastens us] for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness.”

Discussion: The Lord knows that we cannot become like Him and receive all that He wants to give us without being corrected when we make choices that are not in line with eternal truths. To become like God we must be stretched out of our comfort zones, put off the natural man, and reach for higher things. We must be willing to sacrifice all things for the Lord, because it is only through discipleship to Him that we can receive a fullness of joy. Our Heavenly Father loves us too much to let us settle for less than the fullness of joy He desires for us.

Scripture: Hebrews12:11
“Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.”

Discussion: I definitely learned this through my experience with my friend. It is so hard to be called out on our weaknesses and be told we need to change, isn’t it? That’s why it’s so important to:

Scripture: D&C 121:43
“[show] forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy”

Discussion: This is such an important part of chastening, when we feel impressed by the Spirit to do so. We must always chasten others out of a place of love, and then show them a ton of love afterwards to assure them that we were acting out of love for them, not anger or annoyance or hatred towards them. When we humbly and gratefully accept divine chastening and work to change, we will be abundantly blessed. I can personally testify of that.

Thought #4: Sometimes God shows His love for us by asking us to do hard things

Scripture: John 15:12
12 This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.

Discussion: The verses leading up to this verse give us more insight into what Christ means when He asks us to love one another as He has loved us. (I think I may have discussed this scripture and my thoughts about it in a previous blog post, but I’ll go ahead and repeat some of them here for those who have not read that post.)

Scripture: John 15:9-11
9 As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love.
10 If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love.
11 These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.

Discussion: So, if Christ has loved us the way Heavenly Father loved Him, to know how we need to show love to each other, we need to know how Heavenly Father showed love to Jesus Christ. How did Heavenly Father show His love for Jesus Christ? Well, basically Heavenly Father sent Jesus Christ to earth and asked Him to do some really hard things. He taught and strengthened and supported Him as He completed His earthly mission, but when Christ asked, when faced with His ultimate challenge of the atonement, of taking on Him the sins and suffering of all of God's children, that if possible that bitter cup be removed from Him, Heavenly Father did not show His love by removing the burden Christ had to bear. Rather, He sent an angel to strengthen Christ that He might bear it, and asked Him to go forward and complete His earthly mission, despite the extreme personal suffering it caused Him. Heavenly Father knew that Christ had the strength and ability to do what needed to be done, and that all of God's children, including Christ, would be blessed by His willingness to make this sacrifice on their behalf. After Christ's earthly mission was complete, Heavenly Father exalted Christ and gave Him all He had.

So this tells me that Jesus Christ does not show His love for us by lowering His expectations of us when they are difficult for us to achieve, because that is not how Heavenly Father showed His love for Christ. Instead, he strengthens us and helps us rise to meet those expectations when we turn to Him, and freely forgives us as we fall short again and again in our struggle to rise to those high expectations, having full faith that we can achieve what He asks of us with His help, and that when we do, our joy will be full, as His joy became full when He rose to His Father’s expectations of Him.

Personal Experience: I experienced this aspect of God’s love when I was a missionary in the south of France. A big goal in my mission was for each missionary to have at least 10 significant contacts per day, meaning that while you were going about throughout the day you were supposed to talk to at least 10 different people and teach them something, share your testimony about something, or invite them to do something. I’m a pretty shy person and have a huge fear of man, so this was really hard for me. What’s cool to me is that God never said, “Angie, I know this is really hard for you because of your specific weaknesses, so I’m only going to ask you to get 6 contacts per day.” He said, “I know this is really hard for you, but I also know you can do it. I have faith in you.” He loved me enough to ask hard things of me, and I grew and learned and often did meet that expectation.

This experience also taught me how quick the Savior is to forgive. He didn’t hold a grudge against me when I had a day where I didn’t talk to people all day because it seemed too hard. The second I opened my mouth and tried to talk to someone again, He was there, cheering me on, quick to send His Spirit to help me the second I made an effort to do what I knew I needed to do. He wasn’t mad about my shortcomings; He was just so happy and proud to see me making an effort to do His will in spite of them. He wanted to bless me and was there waiting to do so the second I took a step in the right direction. He patiently waited for me to be ready and then showered me with blessings the second I found the inner strength to do His will.

Thought #5: Our love for others should not be conditional on others making choices that we approve of

Discussion: Just like the Savior still loved me and was quick to forgive me when I did not do what He asked of me, we need to be equally loving and forgiving of others when they don’t make the choices we wish they would make or that we think would be best for them. The visiting teaching message in the October 2017 issue of the Ensign magazine was titled “Enfolding with Love Those Who Stray.” I think we have been hearing this message more and more lately from the leaders of the LDS Church, and I think it’s a very important one.

Quote: President Uchtdorf, April 2016 General Conference
“Whatever problems your family is facing, whatever you must do to solve them, the beginning and the end of the solution is charity, the pure love of Christ.”

Story: I recently watched an interview with the Christofferson brothers. D. Todd Christofferson (one of the current 12 apostles of the LDS Church) has a brother named Tom who is gay. They shared a story during the interview that took place a couple years after Tom had come out as gay. At a family reunion, the Christofferson parents sat all their children down and talked about the importance of love and unity in their family. One of the things their mother said was, “The most important lesson that your children will learn from the way our family treats their Uncle Tom is that nothing they can ever do will take them outside the circle of our family’s love.”

Discussion: The Christofferson family chose to love Tom and treat him and the partner he had for many years as fully accepted and loved members of the family, despite the fact that many of them may not have approved of Tom’s choice to have a same-sex partner. They did not let their opinions about his choices interfere with their love for Tom or his partner. They understood the importance of loving others wherever they are in their lives and whatever choices they are currently making.

Conclusion

Those are some of my thoughts on charity! Thanks for reading! I hope this post gives us all the opportunity to ponder more on the topic of what charity looks like and how we can better show this Christlike love to others in our lives. I love you all and am grateful for those of you who have shown me charity in spite of my mistakes and weaknesses. And I am so grateful for my Savior and His perfect example of charity for me and for all of God’s children.

The Roots of My Dysfunction

I feel like you see the symptoms of your dysfunctions long before you are able to dig down to the real roots of those dysfunctions to weed them out. That's been my own personal experience anyway.

I’ve known for years that something was not right about the way I experienced certain relationships in my life--mostly my emotional responses to them, I guess--but I couldn't put my finger on what my dysfunction was. I could see the symptoms of it--the constant need for reassurance of love from the other person, the desperate desire to be with them every possible second of every day, the insecurity triggered by them having other people and experiences in their life that didn't involve me, etc., etc. I likened my feelings about these relationships to addiction on multiple occasions and knew this could not be a good sign. But I didn't know what I was doing wrong, and I didn't know how to change. I don't think I even knew I was supposed to change or that change was possible.

I knew my emotional experience was not “normal” or socially acceptable--I knew the word “needy” had very negative connotations and that needy people were generally spoken of with exasperation and contempt--so I tried to act normal and keep most of my crazy hidden inside. I tried to explain my feelings to myself in ways that put a positive spin on my experience rather than making me sound incredibly creepy and dysfunctional. After all, none of us likes feeling dysfunctional. I just loved people more intensely than your average person. That's not a bad thing, right? How can you love someone too much?

As long as I called the emotions I was experiencing “love” it was difficult to figure out where I was going wrong, since it's hard to argue that loving someone is a bad thing. But somewhere along the line my definition of love had gotten all tangled up with need and insecurity and control, and all those separate pieces had to be unraveled before I could clearly see what was love and what was dysfunction.

This work of recognizing my weaknesses, unraveling all the pieces, and reworking my definition of love began two years into a relationship with a close friend. When my friend was finally brave enough to communicate her feelings more honestly and set boundaries with me, I finally came face to face with the reality of how my weaknesses were affecting our relationship and how and why I needed to change.

Tracing my dysfunctional behaviors back to their roots was a long, slow, painful process. I was already so deep into the relationship and behaviors that I had to work backwards to figure out where they were coming from and what I needed to do differently. I was able to uncover some of the roots of my dysfunction, but some remained a mystery to me. I could clearly see the behaviors and emotions that were unproductive and work on changing those, but I wasn't sure what motivated me to begin them--why certain relationships triggered these behaviors and emotions for me and others did not.

Recently I made a new friend. As the friendship progressed, I started feeling the crazy coming on. None of my relationships had triggered it since the friendship that I had worked through a lot of my issues with. This time I was prepared to meet the crazy head on though. I was able to say, “Hello, old friend. Let's figure out who you are. If I can name you, you will have less power over me and I will be able to see clearly to unravel you before you start tangling me in your web of dysfunction.” And, after a lot of pondering on what may be triggering the crazy in this new relationship, I think I may have finally uncovered a couple more of the deep roots of my dysfunction.

Here is my hypothesis (and I reserve the right to modify it in the future, as needed, as future experiences make additional truths more clear to me): I think that when I am in a relationship with someone that I really like, but I don't feel like I am in a position of power in the relationship (for example, if I sense that the relationship may be more significant to me than it is to the other person), then as my love for that person grows, my fear of loss or rejection grows as well, in equal proportion. I think all of my dysfunctional behaviors are born out of this fear and the habits I’ve formed to try to cope with it.

When I start loving someone a lot, but I feel unsure if I’ll be able to keep them, and the more I love them the scarier not being able to keep them gets, I start feeling a panicked need to control the relationship somehow to make me feel safer in it. Basically, I start trying to control the other person and their feelings towards me in various ways to make sure they keep loving me and can't live without me. This leads to serving with strings attached (offering tons of self-sacrificing service in exchange for love and security in the relationship instead of setting reasonable boundaries for myself and letting the other person set their own reasonable boundaries), lots of over-the-top proclamations of praise and love for the other person, insecurity about all aspects of the other person’s life that don't involve me and are therefore out of my control, the need for constant reassurance of love from the other person to ensure that my strategy of controlling how they feel about me is succeeding, and a disproportionate sense of responsibility for the success or failure of the relationship overall since I am trying to control both sides of it instead of making my own choices and letting the other person make theirs, independent of me.

Recognizing where the feelings of panic and desperation that trigger my dysfunctional behaviors come from helps a lot in learning to manage those emotions in healthier ways. Since I already know from all my work in my other friendship that any control I think I have over the relationship is a complete illusion and that the strategies I use to try to control the relationship not only hurt the relationship but also make me feel more insecure rather than safer in the relationship (the complete opposite of what I’m trying to accomplish), it's pretty easy to conclude that trying to manage my fear by trying to control the relationship is a losing strategy on all sides and will not help me achieve a single one of my relationship goals. Having a personal testimony of that makes it a lot easier to choose to let go of the need for control, now that I know that's what I’m feeling, and relax and leave the other person free to make their own choices and be responsible for their own half of the relationship.

Realizing that I have no power to control the relationship or anyone else’s feelings about me is scary in some ways, but also very relieving in other ways. I don't have to hustle for my worthiness (that's a Brene Brown quote) because it won't do me any good anyway. Other people get to choose how they feel about me no matter what I do or don't do, so I may as well just be me and relieve myself of the burden of trying to take responsibility for others’ feelings about me. I can't be perfect, and even Jesus Christ, the only perfect person, was hated by a ton of people, hated so violently, in fact, that they put Him to death over it. Sheesh! You're never going to win the control how other people feel about you game, so it's just better not to try to play it.

So here's my goal, my new strategy going forward:

1) Accept that loving someone is a scary thing, and that's okay;

2) Respect and love other people enough to let them make the choices that are best for them rather than trying to control their feelings and choices to try to protect myself from loss and rejection; and

3) Self-validate rather than trying to use other people to validate me and my worthiness

Thanks for reading! Good luck to you all in uncovering the roots of your own dysfunctions ;)

Lessons I Learned at General Conference April 2016

I just wanted to share some of my favorite quotes from this last General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that was held at the beginning of this month. You can find the full text of all the different talks that were given at https://www.lds.org/general-conference?cid=HP14GC&lang=eng. I’ve grouped the quotes into four different general messages or lessons that I got from the Conference that were important to me personally.

Lesson #1: My Role as a Mother

Cheryl A. Esplin (“He Asks Us to Be His Hands”)

• “Unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives” (President Monson).

• “Don’t think of your task as a burden; think of it as an opportunity to learn what love really is” (Lola B. Walters).

Neill F. Marriott (“What Shall We Do?”)

• “We build the kingdom when we nurture others.”

• “Love is making space in your life for someone else” (including children)

• “Becoming a builder of the kingdom require[s] selfless sacrifice.”

• “All of us need a spiritual and physical place of belonging. We…can create this [place of belonging for others].”

M. Russell Ballard (“Family Councils”)

• “Children desperately need parents willing to listen to them.”

• “A family council that is patterned after the councils in heaven, filled with Christlike love, and guided by the Lord’s Spirit will help us to protect our family…from the evils of the world.”

Dieter F. Uchtdorf (“In Praise of Those Who Save”)

• D&C 64:33: “Be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”

• “Whatever problems your family is facing, whatever you must do to solve them, the beginning and the end of the solution is charity, the pure love of Christ.”

D. Todd Christofferson (“Fathers”)

• “The perfect, divine expression of fatherhood is our Heavenly Father….His work and glory are the development, happiness, and eternal life of His children.”

• “Perhaps the most essential of a father’s [or mother’s] work is to turn the hearts of his children to their Heavenly Father. If by his example as well as his words a father can demonstrate what fidelity to God looks like in day-to-day living, that father will have given his children the key to peace in this life and eternal life in the world to come.”

• “A father [or mother] who reads scripture to and with his children acquaints them with the voice of the Lord.”

• D&C 68:25, 28: “And again, inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents. …And they shall also teach their children to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord.”

• Psalms 78:5-7: “For he established a testimony in Jacob, and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers, that they should make them known to their children: That the generation to come might know them, even the children which should be born; who should [then] arise and declare them to their children: That they might set their hope in God, and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments.”

• “When a father [or mother] provides correction, his motivation must be love and his guide the Holy Spirit.”

• “Discipline in the divine pattern is not so much about punishing as it is about helping a loved one along the path of self-mastery.”

• Mosiah 4:14-15: “Ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another. …But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another.”

• “Let us lay aside the exaggerated notions of individualism and autonomy in today’s culture and think first of the happiness and well-being of others.”

• “Despite our inadequacies, our Heavenly Father will magnify us and cause our simple efforts to bear fruit.”

Lesson #2: How to Draw Closer to the Lord and Seek His Help and Support in Trying Times

Henry B. Eyring (“Where Two or Three Are Gathered”)

• D&C 88:63: “Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.”

Dale G. Renlund (“That I Might Draw All Men Unto Me”)

• “The greater the distance between the giver and the receiver, the more the receiver develops a sense of entitlement” (Wilford W. Andersen).

• “Our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, are the ultimate Givers. The more we distance ourselves from Them, the more entitled we feel. We begin to think that we deserve grace and are owed blessings. We are more prone to look around, identify inequities, and feel aggrieved—even offended—by the unfairness we perceive…when we are distant from God, even small inequities loom large.”

• “The closer we are to Jesus Christ in the thoughts and intents of our hearts, the more we appreciate His innocent suffering, the more grateful we are for grace and forgiveness, and the more we want to repent and become like Him.”

• “The best way I know of to draw closer to God is to prepare conscientiously and partake worthily of the sacrament each week.”

• “The sacrament truly helps us know our Savior. It also reminds us of His innocent suffering. If life were truly fair, you and I would never be resurrected; you and I would never be able to stand clean before God.”

• “Through God’s compassion, kindness, and love, we will all receive more than we deserve, more than we can ever earn, and more than we can ever hope for.”

Ronald A. Rasband (“Standing with the Leaders of the Church”)

• D&C 68:6: “Be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you.”

• “I have needed the Savior and the rescue of His hand so many times….I have felt confident at times leaping over the side of the boat…into unfamiliar places, only to realize I could not do it alone.”

David A. Bednar (“Always Retain a Remission of Your Sins”)

• “Being born again, comes by the Spirit of God through ordinances” (Joseph Smith).

• “Holy ordinances are central in the Savior’s gospel and in the process of coming unto Him and seeking spiritual rebirth. Ordinances are sacred acts that have spiritual purpose, eternal significance, and are related to God’s laws and statutes.”

• “The ordinances of salvation and exaltation administered in the Lord’s restored Church are far more than rituals or symbolic performances. Rather, they constitute authorized channels through which the blessings and powers of heaven can flow into our individual lives.”

• D&C 84:19-21: “And this greater priesthood administereth the gospel and holdeth the key of the mysteries of the kingdom, even the key of the knowledge of God. Therefore, in the ordinances thereof, the power of godliness is manifest. And without the ordinances thereof, and the authority of the priesthood, the power of godliness is not manifest unto men in the flesh.”

• 3 Nephi 27:20: “Now this is the commandment: Repent, all ye ends of the earth, and come unto me and be baptized in my name, that ye may be sanctified by the reception of the Holy Ghost, that ye may stand spotless before me at the last day.”

• D&C 59:9: “And that thou mayest more fully keep thyself unspotted from the world, thou shalt go to the house of prayer and offer up thy sacraments upon my holy day.”

• Moroni 4:3: “O God, the Eternal Father, we ask thee in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this bread to the souls of all those who partake of it; that they may eat in remembrance of the body of thy Son, and witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they are willing to take upon them the name of thy Son, and always remember him, and keep his commandments which he hath given them, that they may always have his Spirit to be with them. Amen.”

W. Christopher Waddell (“A Pattern for Peace”)

• “Peace of mind, peace of conscience, and peace of heart are not determined by our ability to avoid trials, sorrow, or heartache.”

• “In our search for peace amidst the daily challenges of life, we’ve been given a simple pattern to keep our thoughts focused on the Savior, who said: ‘Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me’ (D&C 19:23).”

• Isaiah 2:3: “Come ye, and let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the house of the God of Jacob; and he will teach us of his ways.”

• “A key difference between those who were ashamed, fell away, and were lost and those who did not heed the mocking from the building and stood with the prophet is found in two phrases: first, ‘after they had tasted,’ and second, ‘those that were partaking’ (1 Nephi 8:26-28, 33).”

Dieter F. Uchtdorf (“He Will Place You on His Shoulders and Carry You Home”)

• “Obedience is the lifeblood of faith. It is by obedience that we gather light into our souls.”

• “God sees us as we truly are--and He sees us worthy of rescue.”

Jeffrey R. Holland (“Tomorrow the Lord Will Do Wonders Among You”)

• “The Lord blesses those who want to improve, who accept the need for commandments and try to keep them, who cherish Christlike virtues and strive to the best of their ability to acquire them. If you stumble in that pursuit, so does everyone; the Savior is there to help you keep going.”

• D&C 11:8: “Verily, verily, I say unto you, even as you desire of me so it shall be done unto you; and, if you desire, you shall be the means of doing much good in this generation.”

• “My brothers and sisters, the first great commandment of all eternity is to love God with all of our heart, might, mind, and strength—that’s the first great commandment. But the first great truth of all eternity is that God loves us with all of His heart, might, mind, and strength. That love is the foundation stone of eternity, and it should be the foundation stone of our daily life. Indeed it is only with that reassurance burning in our soul that we can have the confidence to keep trying to improve, keep seeking forgiveness for our sins, and keep extending that grace to our neighbor.”

• “No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, [God] will never desert us. He never has, and He never will” (George Q. Cannon).

• Isaiah 40:28-31: Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Lesson #3: How to Keep My Marriage and Other Relationships Strong

Kevin R. Duncan (“The Healing Ointment of Forgiveness”)

• “An unforgiving heart harbors so much needless pain.”

• D&C 82:23: “Leave judgment alone with me, for it is mine and I will repay. Peace be with you; my blessings continue with you.”

• “God sees people not only as they currently are but also as they may become.”

Dieter F. Uchtdorf (“In Praise of Those Who Save”)

• “Strong marriage and family relationships…require constant, intentional work.”

• “Great marriages are built brick by brick, day after day, over a lifetime.”

• “Those who save marriages pull out the weeds and water the flowers.”

• “Whatever problems your family is facing, whatever you must do to solve them, the beginning and the end of the solution is charity, the pure love of Christ.”

• “The great enemy of charity is pride.”

• “Pride assumes evil intent where there is none.”

• “Even when you are not at fault—perhaps especially when you are not at fault—let love conquer pride.”

Lesson #4: General Words of Wisdom

Donald L. Hallstrom (“I Am a Child of God”)

• “You can have what you want, or you can have something better” (Jeffrey R. Holland).

Dieter F. Uchtdorf (“In Praise of Those Who Save”)

• “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be” (Abraham Lincoln)