Adam and Eve, Commandments, and Choices

One thing that’s always bothered me about the story of Adam and Eve is the way God gave Adam and Eve conflicting commandments. He commanded them not to eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, and He commanded them to multiply and replenish the earth. And it was impossible for them to do both simultaneously. They could not obey one commandment without sacrificing the other. Why would God set them up for failure like that? Why would He put them in a situation where they were forced to break one commandment or the other? It seemed unfair and unkind, not something a just and loving Heavenly Father would do.

I’m sure there is more than one explanation for why this may have been. I wanted to share though an insight that struck me last night about this situation with Adam and Eve that I had never thought of before.

Ted and I were having a discussion that we’ve had multiple times before in our marriage about how as members of Christ’s Church there are multiple things we are encouraged to do, and it seems impossible to do them all. We are told to get an education, not wait to marry and start a family, ideally have the mother of the family stay home to care for the children, and stay out of debt. Several of these admonitions seem contradictory. Maybe some people are able to do them all at the same time, but we have not been able to. We’ve felt that we, like Adam and Eve, have had to choose which commandments to prioritize. Right now, for example, we can either have me home with our children, or we can have me leave home to go get a full-time job and work on getting out of debt more quickly. We can’t do both. We are in debt because we prioritized getting an education and not waiting to get married and start a family over staying out of debt. We couldn’t do both. To stay out of debt, we would have had to give up one of those other things that we are also encouraged to do.

The thought I had last night as Ted and I were talking was that maybe one of the reasons God gave Adam and Eve conflicting commandments was to teach us about the kinds of choices we would need to make in this life. We are all put in situations where we have to choose between multiple good things that God asks us to do. It’s not always possible to do all the good things He asks us to do simultaneously. This is not a perfect world, we are not perfect people, and we have a finite amount of time and resources. Maybe through the story of Adam and Eve, Heavenly Father was trying to teach us the importance of seeking the guidance of the Spirit to know how best to apply God’s teachings in our own individual lives. We are all unique and in unique situations, so what the application of God’s commandments looks like for each of us at each stage of our lives will be different. And that’s okay. At one point one commandment may take precedence, and in another situation another commandment may take precedence. And it’s the Spirit that will help us make these choices.

Adam and Eve realized that in order to follow God’s command to multiply and replenish the earth, they would need to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil and leave the Garden of Eden. Although making this choice gave them the opportunity to progress and have children, it also resulted in less desirable consequences such as becoming mortal and being separated from God’s presence both physically and spiritually. It’s interesting to me that God did not stop Adam and Eve from experiencing the undesirable consequences of their choice along with the desirable consequences. What He did do was provide a means of ultimate deliverance from those undesirable consequences by providing a Savior for them, Jesus Christ.

In like manner, I have hope that God will ultimately, as we continue to be diligent in striving to keep all His commandments to the best of our ability, provide a means of deliverance for us from the undesirable consequences of our good but imperfect choices as well. Even though right now we are prioritizing having children and me staying home with our children over getting out of debt, I feel like God has given us many small blessings along the way to help us continue to improve our financial situation one tiny step at a time. I’ve had an assortment of side jobs that I’ve been able to do while still staying home with our children, and Ted has been blessed with both a full-time job in his field and a part-time Air National Guard job. Our progress on getting out of debt is very slow, but I have faith that God will continue to open doors for us, and that as we remain faithful to Him and follow the guidance of His Spirit, all the blessings necessary for us to accomplish what we need to in this life will be ours. I love my Savior and am so grateful for His mercy, patience and guidance as we strive to make the best choices we can with the time, resources, and opportunities we have each been given.

Motherhood Breakthrough

A friend of mine just became a life coach and was offering free life coaching sessions during the month of December so she could practice. I signed up because, why not? I’m always up for some new insights on how I can live my life better and be happier. And that was exactly what this life coaching session delivered.

When asked to pick the topic of our life coaching session (either something I wanted to accomplish or something I am currently struggling with), I said that I struggle to manage feelings of frustration well and that I would like to be better at disciplining my children without anger. My friend had me describe a recent situation with my children where I had felt frustrated and disciplined in an angry rather than calm way. I shared an experience I had had with Sam earlier that day.

My friend then taught me some truths that I have found extremely helpful. She said that what I need to realize is that the circumstances themselves are always neutral: what’s happening in my life, what my children or others are choosing to do—all that is neutral. It is my thoughts about the circumstances in my life that create the emotions that I experience. It’s not the circumstance—which is something I can’t control—it’s how I choose to think about the circumstance that leads to the feelings I have about it, which leads to my actions, which leads to the results of those actions.

Realizing this has really been a game changer for me. It’s empowering to realize that no matter what choices anyone else makes or what circumstances I’m in, I’m the one in control of how I think, and therefore how I feel, about the situation at hand. I don’t need anyone else to behave in any particular way for things to be okay—I just need to think about things in a positive way, which will trigger positive emotions and lead to more desirable actions and outcomes.

This may sound overly simplistic, and I admit I have no idea how well it does or doesn’t work when you’re dealing with actual tragedies in your life, but in dealing with the ups and downs of a normal day, I have found it to be super effective. Whenever I start feeling negative emotions, I remind myself that nothing is actually bad—it’s just the way I’m choosing to think that is causing me to feel negative emotions. When I switch to positive thoughts about what is going on and focus on the good things about the moment I’m in, not worries about the past or future or other things I can’t control, I find that life is actually very good, and I have so many things to be grateful for and so many reasons to be happy. It’s awesome! I have so much more control over my emotions and over making my life good and happy than I thought I did. It’s all in the way I choose to think about things. So amazing!

I love learning new things that actually make a difference in the way, I think, act, and experience the world. It continues to astound me how powerful our thoughts are and what a difference it makes when we gain more knowledge and come to see things in a more truthful way. Nothing in my circumstances has changed except my thoughts, and yet by changing my thoughts everything has changed. I feel like a different person, with so much more power over my life, actions, and emotions. It’s amazing! Hooray for knowledge and change and life coaching! It definitely changed my life for the better, and I’m so grateful.

The Work of Salvation

I had an epiphany recently while reading through one of the LDS Church Relief Society lessons, and I thought I would share it. The lesson was titled “Daughters of God” (Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Gordon B. Hinckley, Chapter 5), and as I read it, I had a thought that made me think about my role as a daughter of God, and particularly my role as a mother, in a new way.

If you think about it, the most important task on this earth is teaching people to become like God. That critical task begins in the home. The whole point of designating one spouse to be the primary breadwinner in the home is to free up the other spouse to devote their time and attention to this most important task of caring for and teaching the next generation of God’s children during their young, vulnerable years. There are many opportunities to teach adults as well, but adults begin as babies and children, and the more they learn when they are young and the stronger the foundation they have, the further they can progress when they reach adulthood.

In society we act like it’s the men (or women) with careers doing the most important work in the world, but the main point of their work is to provide the necessities of life to themselves and their families so that the essential work of salvation can take place in the home without the distraction of unmet physical needs. Worldly success such as wealth and fame and status is important to the world, but not to God. His main concern is the salvation of His children, and He has given His daughters one of the most, if not the most, critical roles to play in that plan. Why do men have the responsibility to hold priesthood offices and leadership positions in the church? Probably to free up women to put their whole focus on the nurture of their family, rather than splitting their focus between their personal family and the ward/congregation. One partner does the majority of dividing their time between their family and other necessary responsibilities, while the other keeps their main focus on their family so that raising children--a monumental and essential task--gets the care and focus it deserves. It's not that women wouldn't be good at the responsibilities men have; it’s that they're doing something else incredibly important, a responsibility that God has reserved just for them, to be their focus, because it IS so important. We often belittle the responsibilities women have been given, like they are narrow and not that important, but they are actually participating in the work of salvation full-time, on a daily basis. If that's not a sign that God thinks they are fit for the most important work He has for His children to do, I don't know what is.

God isn't saying to His daughters, this is the only thing I think you're capable of; He’s saying, this is a job that is so important and so demanding that I want you to devote 100% of your time and attention to it. I don't want anything else distracting you from this most important job. I will give all the other responsibilities to someone else, so I can reserve your strength and energy and talents for this most important work. He’s not saying, I don't think you're capable of multitasking; He’s saying, I don't want you to have to multitask. I want to ease all other burdens for you because I know this is such a great one that I have placed upon you, and it is of upmost importance to me that you have the time and energy you need to do it well and give your whole heart to it.

I love getting new perspectives on life :)

My Identity as a Mother

I was having a conversation with someone about how many children we were planning to have. The person I was having the conversation with has two children and feels like that is the right number for their family. This made me think about what it would be like to be done having children at this point, with only Sam and Grace. Thinking about this made me realize that I am definitely, 100%, NOT ready to be done having children.

Ted and I were already planning on having more children, but I didn't realize how strongly I felt about it until this experience. I just got used to my identity as a mother of small children, and I am not ready to give it up yet. I can't imagine just having these two kids that just keep getting older so fast, forcing me to reinvent myself again way sooner than I am ready for. I don't want them to grow up and become all independent and have to go back and get a job again! No thanks!

I complain a lot about the challenges of being a stay-at-home mom, but there are a lot of things I really love about it as well, and I realized I have become pretty attached to this stage of life. So, even though there are drawbacks to starting over again and again each time a new baby comes along and losing the newfound freedom you’ve gained as your children get older and become a little more independent, I am not ready to give up my critical role as a mother of infants and small children. Having more kids is definitely the right choice for me at this stage of my life, and it's comforting to know that, even as I wonder how on earth I will manage to care for a third child on top of the two I already have. People do it though, so it must be possible. And I now know that that is definitely the life I want for myself, despite the challenges it will bring. So I will go forward with faith, trusting that the Lord will give me the strength and wisdom I need to succeed.

Lessons I Learned at General Conference April 2016

I just wanted to share some of my favorite quotes from this last General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that was held at the beginning of this month. You can find the full text of all the different talks that were given at https://www.lds.org/general-conference?cid=HP14GC&lang=eng. I’ve grouped the quotes into four different general messages or lessons that I got from the Conference that were important to me personally.

Lesson #1: My Role as a Mother

Cheryl A. Esplin (“He Asks Us to Be His Hands”)

• “Unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives” (President Monson).

• “Don’t think of your task as a burden; think of it as an opportunity to learn what love really is” (Lola B. Walters).

Neill F. Marriott (“What Shall We Do?”)

• “We build the kingdom when we nurture others.”

• “Love is making space in your life for someone else” (including children)

• “Becoming a builder of the kingdom require[s] selfless sacrifice.”

• “All of us need a spiritual and physical place of belonging. We…can create this [place of belonging for others].”

M. Russell Ballard (“Family Councils”)

• “Children desperately need parents willing to listen to them.”

• “A family council that is patterned after the councils in heaven, filled with Christlike love, and guided by the Lord’s Spirit will help us to protect our family…from the evils of the world.”

Dieter F. Uchtdorf (“In Praise of Those Who Save”)

• D&C 64:33: “Be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”

• “Whatever problems your family is facing, whatever you must do to solve them, the beginning and the end of the solution is charity, the pure love of Christ.”

D. Todd Christofferson (“Fathers”)

• “The perfect, divine expression of fatherhood is our Heavenly Father….His work and glory are the development, happiness, and eternal life of His children.”

• “Perhaps the most essential of a father’s [or mother’s] work is to turn the hearts of his children to their Heavenly Father. If by his example as well as his words a father can demonstrate what fidelity to God looks like in day-to-day living, that father will have given his children the key to peace in this life and eternal life in the world to come.”

• “A father [or mother] who reads scripture to and with his children acquaints them with the voice of the Lord.”

• D&C 68:25, 28: “And again, inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents. …And they shall also teach their children to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord.”

• Psalms 78:5-7: “For he established a testimony in Jacob, and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers, that they should make them known to their children: That the generation to come might know them, even the children which should be born; who should [then] arise and declare them to their children: That they might set their hope in God, and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments.”

• “When a father [or mother] provides correction, his motivation must be love and his guide the Holy Spirit.”

• “Discipline in the divine pattern is not so much about punishing as it is about helping a loved one along the path of self-mastery.”

• Mosiah 4:14-15: “Ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another. …But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another.”

• “Let us lay aside the exaggerated notions of individualism and autonomy in today’s culture and think first of the happiness and well-being of others.”

• “Despite our inadequacies, our Heavenly Father will magnify us and cause our simple efforts to bear fruit.”

Lesson #2: How to Draw Closer to the Lord and Seek His Help and Support in Trying Times

Henry B. Eyring (“Where Two or Three Are Gathered”)

• D&C 88:63: “Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.”

Dale G. Renlund (“That I Might Draw All Men Unto Me”)

• “The greater the distance between the giver and the receiver, the more the receiver develops a sense of entitlement” (Wilford W. Andersen).

• “Our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, are the ultimate Givers. The more we distance ourselves from Them, the more entitled we feel. We begin to think that we deserve grace and are owed blessings. We are more prone to look around, identify inequities, and feel aggrieved—even offended—by the unfairness we perceive…when we are distant from God, even small inequities loom large.”

• “The closer we are to Jesus Christ in the thoughts and intents of our hearts, the more we appreciate His innocent suffering, the more grateful we are for grace and forgiveness, and the more we want to repent and become like Him.”

• “The best way I know of to draw closer to God is to prepare conscientiously and partake worthily of the sacrament each week.”

• “The sacrament truly helps us know our Savior. It also reminds us of His innocent suffering. If life were truly fair, you and I would never be resurrected; you and I would never be able to stand clean before God.”

• “Through God’s compassion, kindness, and love, we will all receive more than we deserve, more than we can ever earn, and more than we can ever hope for.”

Ronald A. Rasband (“Standing with the Leaders of the Church”)

• D&C 68:6: “Be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you.”

• “I have needed the Savior and the rescue of His hand so many times….I have felt confident at times leaping over the side of the boat…into unfamiliar places, only to realize I could not do it alone.”

David A. Bednar (“Always Retain a Remission of Your Sins”)

• “Being born again, comes by the Spirit of God through ordinances” (Joseph Smith).

• “Holy ordinances are central in the Savior’s gospel and in the process of coming unto Him and seeking spiritual rebirth. Ordinances are sacred acts that have spiritual purpose, eternal significance, and are related to God’s laws and statutes.”

• “The ordinances of salvation and exaltation administered in the Lord’s restored Church are far more than rituals or symbolic performances. Rather, they constitute authorized channels through which the blessings and powers of heaven can flow into our individual lives.”

• D&C 84:19-21: “And this greater priesthood administereth the gospel and holdeth the key of the mysteries of the kingdom, even the key of the knowledge of God. Therefore, in the ordinances thereof, the power of godliness is manifest. And without the ordinances thereof, and the authority of the priesthood, the power of godliness is not manifest unto men in the flesh.”

• 3 Nephi 27:20: “Now this is the commandment: Repent, all ye ends of the earth, and come unto me and be baptized in my name, that ye may be sanctified by the reception of the Holy Ghost, that ye may stand spotless before me at the last day.”

• D&C 59:9: “And that thou mayest more fully keep thyself unspotted from the world, thou shalt go to the house of prayer and offer up thy sacraments upon my holy day.”

• Moroni 4:3: “O God, the Eternal Father, we ask thee in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this bread to the souls of all those who partake of it; that they may eat in remembrance of the body of thy Son, and witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they are willing to take upon them the name of thy Son, and always remember him, and keep his commandments which he hath given them, that they may always have his Spirit to be with them. Amen.”

W. Christopher Waddell (“A Pattern for Peace”)

• “Peace of mind, peace of conscience, and peace of heart are not determined by our ability to avoid trials, sorrow, or heartache.”

• “In our search for peace amidst the daily challenges of life, we’ve been given a simple pattern to keep our thoughts focused on the Savior, who said: ‘Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me’ (D&C 19:23).”

• Isaiah 2:3: “Come ye, and let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the house of the God of Jacob; and he will teach us of his ways.”

• “A key difference between those who were ashamed, fell away, and were lost and those who did not heed the mocking from the building and stood with the prophet is found in two phrases: first, ‘after they had tasted,’ and second, ‘those that were partaking’ (1 Nephi 8:26-28, 33).”

Dieter F. Uchtdorf (“He Will Place You on His Shoulders and Carry You Home”)

• “Obedience is the lifeblood of faith. It is by obedience that we gather light into our souls.”

• “God sees us as we truly are--and He sees us worthy of rescue.”

Jeffrey R. Holland (“Tomorrow the Lord Will Do Wonders Among You”)

• “The Lord blesses those who want to improve, who accept the need for commandments and try to keep them, who cherish Christlike virtues and strive to the best of their ability to acquire them. If you stumble in that pursuit, so does everyone; the Savior is there to help you keep going.”

• D&C 11:8: “Verily, verily, I say unto you, even as you desire of me so it shall be done unto you; and, if you desire, you shall be the means of doing much good in this generation.”

• “My brothers and sisters, the first great commandment of all eternity is to love God with all of our heart, might, mind, and strength—that’s the first great commandment. But the first great truth of all eternity is that God loves us with all of His heart, might, mind, and strength. That love is the foundation stone of eternity, and it should be the foundation stone of our daily life. Indeed it is only with that reassurance burning in our soul that we can have the confidence to keep trying to improve, keep seeking forgiveness for our sins, and keep extending that grace to our neighbor.”

• “No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, [God] will never desert us. He never has, and He never will” (George Q. Cannon).

• Isaiah 40:28-31: Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Lesson #3: How to Keep My Marriage and Other Relationships Strong

Kevin R. Duncan (“The Healing Ointment of Forgiveness”)

• “An unforgiving heart harbors so much needless pain.”

• D&C 82:23: “Leave judgment alone with me, for it is mine and I will repay. Peace be with you; my blessings continue with you.”

• “God sees people not only as they currently are but also as they may become.”

Dieter F. Uchtdorf (“In Praise of Those Who Save”)

• “Strong marriage and family relationships…require constant, intentional work.”

• “Great marriages are built brick by brick, day after day, over a lifetime.”

• “Those who save marriages pull out the weeds and water the flowers.”

• “Whatever problems your family is facing, whatever you must do to solve them, the beginning and the end of the solution is charity, the pure love of Christ.”

• “The great enemy of charity is pride.”

• “Pride assumes evil intent where there is none.”

• “Even when you are not at fault—perhaps especially when you are not at fault—let love conquer pride.”

Lesson #4: General Words of Wisdom

Donald L. Hallstrom (“I Am a Child of God”)

• “You can have what you want, or you can have something better” (Jeffrey R. Holland).

Dieter F. Uchtdorf (“In Praise of Those Who Save”)

• “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be” (Abraham Lincoln)

The Roles of Men and Women

Maybe it's because I just went through a pregnancy and am currently nursing a newborn, but the different roles of men and women are starting to make some basic biological sense to me. Regardless of whether men are generally stronger than women or whether women are generally more nurturing than men--both rather disputable generalizations--there are some basic, indisputable biological facts that make it pretty obvious why God assigned men the primary responsibility of protecting and providing for the family and women the primary responsibility of nurturing and caring for the children. 

First of all, if you're going to have a full-time protector and provider, it would make sense for that person to be the member of the family that does not frequently go through physical changes that render them less able to protect and provide. However physically/mentally/emotionally able you normally are at fulfilling these roles, your ability to do so, at least physically, can greatly diminish during pregnancy, particularly if you experience a lot of morning sickness and/or have a physically demanding job. The fact that biologically women are forced to do the brunt of the work of bringing a child into the world makes it seem appropriate that their husbands carry the greater responsibility of providing for the family and protecting their wife and children, especially at times when they are in more vulnerable physical states.

Secondly, once the child is here, it is the woman's body that produces the necessary means of nourishment for that child, so it makes the most biological sense for the woman to be the one who has the primary responsibility of caring for the child. Not that the man should not share the load of childcare to the extent that he is able, but as all nursing mothers know, no matter how willing the father is to help, there is a lot of baby care he simply cannot biologically provide, namely the hours of nursing that infants require.

Our modern society has found lots of ways to circumvent these biological facts that have helped define the roles of men and women throughout history (formula, breast pumps, grocery stores, jobs that require more brain power and less physical labor, etc.), but it is only these modern conveniences that have helped disconnect people from the biological realities that make the wisdom of the differences in the primary roles of men and women in the functioning of the family unit more obvious. 

Of course, there has been plenty of suppression of women throughout history that had nothing to do with biological realities, such as their right to vote, to own land, to get an education, to dress how they choose, to pursue whatever career field they would like to at times in their life when working does make sense or is necessary for them, to choose whom to marry, to choose to get out of harmful or unfulfilling relationships, etc. I'm not suggesting that all the traditional ways women have been treated are biologically justified or anything of the sort, or even that women should be forced to fulfill roles that their biological makeup seems to lend itself to. Obviously, everyone should have the choice of how they would like to live their own lives. All I’m saying is that the idea that in the family unit the man is more biologically suited to protect and provide for the family as his primary responsibility while the woman is more biologically suited to nurture and care for the children makes a lot of sense to me and that you don't have to be an anti-feminist jerk to suggest that perhaps that is the way God planned families to function under ideal circumstances. Yes, those are my thoughts.