As the current prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, President Russell M. Nelson, invited us to do, I am currently in the process of reading the Book of Mormon from beginning to end by the end of the year. This week involved a lot of reading in the book of 2 Nephi where the prophet Nephi quotes extensively from the Old Testament prophet Isaiah. In chapter 24 of 2 Nephi, Nephi quotes from Isaiah 14 in the Old Testament.
Isaiah’s words about Satan in this chapter really struck me. Lucifer was a son of God who, instead of following God’s plan and doing things God’s way, decided he would rather do things his own way. Isaiah tells us in this chapter how that worked out for Lucifer, and I thought it was a nice parallel to how things go in our lives when we choose to do things our own way rather than submitting our will to the Lord and doing things His way.
Starting in verse 12 of Isaiah 14 (quoted by Nephi in verse 12 of 2 Nephi 24), Isaiah says the following:
12 How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning!...
13 For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God…
14 I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High.
So, Satan’s goals were to ascend into heaven, above the height of the clouds, and be like the most High, or possibly even better than Him. Isaiah tells us what happened instead, when Satan decided to take matters into his own hands and do things his own way to try to attain his goals. His ending, according to the prophet Isaiah, will be much different than what he was hoping to accomplish:
15 Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit.
16 They that see thee shall narrowly look upon thee, and consider thee, saying, Is this the man that made the earth to tremble, that did shake kingdoms;
17 That made the world as a wilderness, and destroyed the cities thereof; that opened not the house of his prisoners?
18 All the kings of the nations, even all of them, lie in glory, every one in his own house.
19 But thou art cast out of thy grave like an abominable branch, and as the raiment of those that are slain, thrust through with a sword, that go down to the stones of the pit; as a carcase trodden under feet.
20 Thou shalt not be joined with them in burial, because thou hast destroyed thy land, and slain thy people: the seed of evildoers shall never be renowned.
Basically, Satan, by doing things his way, accomplished the exact opposite of what he hoped to accomplish. Instead of being exalted in the heavens like God, his actions will result in him bringing brought down low into hell, where he will be even lower than those he leads astray in mortality.
The ironic thing is that if Satan had chosen instead to submit his will to the Lord and follow God’s plan instead of trying to do things his own way, he would have achieved exactly what he wanted all along. God’s goal is to exalt all His children and bring them to live with Him again in the heavens, glorified like He is. Following God’s plan would have given Satan everything he dreamed of. But he was convinced his way was better and would make him happier than God’s way.
I went through a period of my life when, while outwardly keeping the commandments and doing what God asked, in my heart I was saying, “God, you just stay over there, and don’t interfere, and I’ll take care of making myself happy. I know what I need to be happy, and I’ll take care of it. You just let me do my thing.” And I went on that way for quite a while, until things started to fall apart, and I realized that I was being more successful at making myself miserable than making myself happy. Humbled, I finally came to the Lord with my whole heart and said, “Heavenly Father, I have no idea what I need to be happy. My way is not working. Will you teach me your way?” And He did teach me. And His way was better, and I found the peace and joy I had been seeking all along but could not find while I was insisting on doing things my way. I fought God’s way for so long, when it was the key to my happiness all along.
I think by telling us Lucifer’s story, Isaiah is trying to teach us this truth: that the Lord’s way is always better than our way, and the quicker we submit to His will and do things His way, the happier we will be and the quicker we will achieve our ultimate goals of happiness and exaltation. No matter how convinced we are that our way will make us happier than God’s way, that’s never the way things turn out. It is only by following the Lord and submitting our will to His that we will find the true happiness we seek. I know this to be true from my own personal experience, and I share these words with you in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.
Saturday, October 27, 2018
Saturday, May 19, 2018
On Childbirth and the Care of Infants
Here’s another essay I wrote for one of my Writers’ Village University classes that I thought would be worth sharing here.
On Childbirth and the Care of Infants
Since becoming a mother, I’ve found that discussions about childbirth and infant care can be as fraught as any political or religious discussion. There is a great deal of judgment and guilt attached to the various options available to someone trying to birth or care for a baby, as if giving birth and caring for an infant aren’t hard enough by themselves without the added weight of other people’s self-righteous opinions about what the best choices are for ALL babies and mothers. As if the situations, temperaments, struggles, and needs of different baby and mother combinations are not as varied as the designs of each feathery ice crystal that swirls to the ground in a winter storm.
There are so many questions to answer for prospective mothers. Where should I give birth to my baby? Hospital? Birthing center? At home? Who should I choose as my primary caregiver during my pregnancy and birth? Obstetrician? Midwife? Should I hire a doula? Should I get an epidural or go natural? What childbirth class should I take? Lamaze? Bradley Method? Hypnobirthing? If my baby is breech, should I have a c-section or try to deliver vaginally? Should I circumcise my son or not? Breastfeed or bottle feed? Stay home or go back to work? Co-sleep or sleep-train? Disposable diapers or cloth? Or diaper free? Nursing cover or not? Vaccinations or not? The choices are endless, and your worth as a mother often seems to hang on each one.
My personal experience has included a variety of choices that have spanned the spectrum of ideal to nonideal by those who think they know. (The spectrum looks different depending on which childbirth and parenting sect you’re speaking with, but since the natural childbirthers seem to be the ones who are usually shouting the loudest and doing the largest amount of fear-mongering, I decided to rate my choices based on their spectrum.) I’ve delivered in a hospital with an obstetrician (nonideal), been induced (nonideal), labored and delivered without pain meds (ideal), had an episiotomy (nonideal), had a c-section (nonideal), breastfed (ideal), circumcised my son (nonideal), quit work to stay home with my children (ideal), co-slept (ideal), sleep-trained using the cry-it-out method (nonideal), used disposable diapers (nonideal), nursed in public with a cover (nonideal), nursed in public without a cover (ideal), vaccinated my children (nonideal), etc.
Despite where each of my choices has fallen on someone else’s spectrum, I don’t regret a single one of them. Each of those choices—although labeled ideal or nonideal by others—was the best choice for me and for my baby and situation. As a new mom, you often wish someone would tell you the “right” way to do all things parenting, but in the end, it is a huge relief to realize that you don’t have to do childbirth or parenting the way anyone else does it. You are actually the expert on what works best for you and your child and family.
As I prepare for the birth of my third child, I know I will be faced once more with a variety of choices and a variety of opinions on what choices I should make. As each birth and each baby is different, I don’t know yet what choices will end up working best for me and this particular child. Being a mother is all about flexibility, not certainty. Rather than joining any particular childbirth and parenting sect, I plan to continue picking and choosing what works best for me from each one and adapting as needed as each new child comes swirling into our lives, shifting the shape of our family with the force of their own unique needs and personality.
Sunday, April 22, 2018
Feeling the Spirit
I know I haven’t written a blog post for a while. Last summer I joined an online writing community called Writers’ Village University (writersvillage.com), which I love, and a lot of my writing time has been spent doing writing assignments for the creative nonfiction classes I’ve been taking through WVU. The most recent piece I wrote for one of my classes I thought would be worth sharing here on my blog. I hope you enjoy!
Feeling the Spirit
“Did you feel the Spirit?” Dianna asked me. I stared at her like a deer caught in the headlights. It was my baptism day. I was eight years old and had just been baptized by my father. Following my baptism, my father and several other brethren from my church had stood in a circle around me with their hands on my head and given me the gift of the Holy Ghost. Apparently I was supposed to have felt something special during these ceremonies. But I just felt normal. I didn’t know how to tell Dianna that though. I dropped my eyes to the floor, mumbled something, and then ran off to play with my friends who had come to see my baptism. But her question continued to trouble me.
This idea of “feeling the Spirit” is emphasized a lot in my church. It seemed very important to learn how to do this, but I was at a loss. A lot of people seemed to cry when they got up in church to share their beliefs and feelings about God with everyone. I thought crying must have something to do with feeling the Spirit. But I never cried when I talked about God. A lot of people claimed to feel the Spirit when they went to the temple. I just felt anxious when I went there, terrified of forgetting what I was supposed to do and looking stupid. Some people talked about a warm feeling in their chest when they felt the Spirit. That had never happened to me. I got goosebumps sometimes. Was that the same thing?
These concerns about my apparent lack of feeling the Spirit followed me through all my growing up years. I felt like some sort of sham church member, doing all the things I was supposed to do, but never achieving this magical experience called feeling the Spirit. It wasn’t until I became a full-time missionary for my church for a season that I began to unravel this mystery of feeling the Spirit.
It turned out that, for me, the key to feeling the Spirit was recognizing when I was not feeling the Spirit. All this time I had been so worried about what the Spirit felt like, when, in reality, what I should have been focusing on was what the Spirit did not feel like.
It all started to click for me one day during a quarterly gathering of the missionaries in my area. My mission president’s wife spoke at this gathering, and one of the things she said was that, as missionaries, we didn’t have room in our hearts for feelings like self-doubt, self-blame, discouragement, etc.; all we had room for was faith, hope, and charity.
Something clicked for me in that moment. I realized that feelings like discouragement and frustration with myself did not make me feel motivated to try harder to be a better representative of Jesus Christ. Those feelings just made me want to shrink inside myself and give up. That’s not what God wanted me to do, and that meant those feelings were not from God or from His Spirit. Feeling faith and hope that Jesus Christ could help me overcome my weaknesses and that I could succeed in doing His work if I kept trying, those were feelings that motivated me to continue to work hard and reach out to others with love and be patient with myself; those were feelings that came from God and His Spirit.
It was like a brilliant light of understanding had suddenly burst upon my consciousness. My mind had been enlightened, joy and peace filled my soul—I had felt the Spirit. And it felt good. And I could see the way it was a contrast to the darkness of despair at my imperfections that I had been struggling with. And I began to see what Paul meant in his letter to the Galatians when he said “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance” (Galatians 5:22-23, KJV).
I had been feeling the Spirit all along, but until I contrasted it with the darkness that accompanies feelings that are not from God, I couldn’t see it. I was looking for something magical and exotic, outside the realm of normal emotions. What I discovered is that being able to recognize your emotions and their source and which emotions are helpful to you and which ones are not is its own kind of magic. The magic of feeling the Spirit, both its presence and its absence. I can now look someone in the eye and say with confidence that I have felt the Spirit, and it has changed my life.
Monday, January 29, 2018
Some Thoughts on Charity, the Pure Love of Christ
I gave a talk on charity at church a week ago, and I thought some of the thoughts I shared in that talk would be worth sharing here.
Thought #1: Our love for others should not be conditional on their behavior or treatment of us/others
Scripture: Matthew 5:43-48
43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.
Discussion: We find all sorts of ways to justify treating others unkindly, and the voice of society often backs us up, agreeing that so-and-so deserves harsh or unkind treatment because of this, this, and this. “Bad” people do not deserve love or kindness. Jesus Christ disagrees. In this scripture, Jesus strips away the validity of all of our excuses for unkind treatment of others. We are NEVER justified. We must love, forgive, pray for, and be kind to EVERYONE, regardless of what they have done or how they might have treated us or others. EVERYONE is a child of God with potential for good, whatever you might think of them or however they may currently be using their agency. Love, kindness, and forgiveness are always called for.
Quote: Marvin J. Ashton, April 1992 General Conference
“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else; when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.
Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped.
Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weaknesses and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.”
Personal Experience: This quote was really helpful for me in a situation with a friend a few years ago when I was starting to feel like a victim. I needed to be reminded to be patient and kind and willing to forgive and give her the benefit of the doubt. I also needed to try to see things from her point-of-view.
Discussion: Have you ever noticed that when you start feeling like a victim your love and compassion for the other person decreases, and you can only see how their actions are affecting you? You kind of start seeing them in this one-dimensional way—as someone who is hurting you—instead of a 3-dimensional person with their own concerns and hardships and struggles. It’s hard to see other people in a true, charitable way when we get into that victim mindset.
Thought #2: What does giving someone the benefit of the doubt or expecting the best of each other look like?
Discussion: I think an important part of that whole giving someone the benefit of the doubt idea is going off the assumption that people care about you and are not trying to hurt you.
Quote: President Uchtdorf, April 2016 General Conference
“The great enemy of charity is pride.”
“Pride assumes evil intent where there is none.”
Discussion: I think this whole assuming evil intent where there is none happens way too often in our society today. However, even when people do not have evil intent, they still manage to say and do all sorts of things that we may find hurtful or unhelpful. So what should we do when someone hurts us or does not handle something in the way we might have hoped? Obviously we are commanded to forgive them. But if we are assuming that their intention was to help us, not hurt us, but the way they showed their love and concern for us was not helpful, don’t you think that if they truly care about us that they would appreciate us letting them know that their attempt to help us was unsuccessful and that something else would actually be more helpful to us? I think we often shy away from those kinds of honest conversations, preferring to silently resent the infraction or complain about that person’s behavior to someone else. But I would submit that if we want to show true charity to someone, we need to be honest with them—in a kind, loving way, not a harsh, accusatory way—and give them the opportunity to apologize and change and show their love to us in a more helpful way. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt means assuming that if they had known what would be most helpful to us that’s what they would have done; rather than punishing others for not yet being omniscient like our Heavenly Father, we need to take responsibility for communicating honestly and giving them the information they need to love and serve us in the way that is most helpful to us. In this way we both have the opportunity to learn and grow together in knowledge and love.
Personal Experience: I am a particular fan of this type of honest communication because it changed my life. That same friend I mentioned earlier, it was a good thing the Spirit kept reminding me to treat her with charity through that Marvin J. Ashton quote, because it turned out that she was also feeling like a victim because of weaknesses I had that were hurting her. When she finally chose to communicate honestly with me about my weaknesses and the negative effects they were having on her, I had the opportunity to see myself more truthfully, apologize, and change. Having someone point out your weaknesses to you is never a pleasant experience—in fact it was extremely painful—I shed many, many tears—but in the end I was so grateful to her for helping me see my weaknesses more clearly so that I could change and become better. Change was slow and difficult, but through the process I came to know my Savior more intimately and to trust Him more completely, and He truly changed my heart. I am a different person now than I was before, and the changes I’ve made have brought so much more peace and joy into my life. My friend showed her love for me by communicating honestly with me and then forgiving me and continuing to show me love and friendship as I worked to change. We are both better for the experience and our friendship has been strengthened through it.
Thought #3: Sometimes God shows His love for us by chastening us
Scripture: Hebrews 12:6
“For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth.”
Discussion: This statement sounds so counterintuitive, doesn’t it? Why would you chasten someone you love?
Scripture: Hebrews 12:10
“[The Lord chastens us] for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness.”
Discussion: The Lord knows that we cannot become like Him and receive all that He wants to give us without being corrected when we make choices that are not in line with eternal truths. To become like God we must be stretched out of our comfort zones, put off the natural man, and reach for higher things. We must be willing to sacrifice all things for the Lord, because it is only through discipleship to Him that we can receive a fullness of joy. Our Heavenly Father loves us too much to let us settle for less than the fullness of joy He desires for us.
Scripture: Hebrews12:11
“Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.”
Discussion: I definitely learned this through my experience with my friend. It is so hard to be called out on our weaknesses and be told we need to change, isn’t it? That’s why it’s so important to:
Scripture: D&C 121:43
“[show] forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy”
Discussion: This is such an important part of chastening, when we feel impressed by the Spirit to do so. We must always chasten others out of a place of love, and then show them a ton of love afterwards to assure them that we were acting out of love for them, not anger or annoyance or hatred towards them. When we humbly and gratefully accept divine chastening and work to change, we will be abundantly blessed. I can personally testify of that.
Thought #4: Sometimes God shows His love for us by asking us to do hard things
Scripture: John 15:12
12 This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.
Discussion: The verses leading up to this verse give us more insight into what Christ means when He asks us to love one another as He has loved us. (I think I may have discussed this scripture and my thoughts about it in a previous blog post, but I’ll go ahead and repeat some of them here for those who have not read that post.)
Scripture: John 15:9-11
9 As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love.
10 If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love.
11 These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.
Discussion: So, if Christ has loved us the way Heavenly Father loved Him, to know how we need to show love to each other, we need to know how Heavenly Father showed love to Jesus Christ. How did Heavenly Father show His love for Jesus Christ? Well, basically Heavenly Father sent Jesus Christ to earth and asked Him to do some really hard things. He taught and strengthened and supported Him as He completed His earthly mission, but when Christ asked, when faced with His ultimate challenge of the atonement, of taking on Him the sins and suffering of all of God's children, that if possible that bitter cup be removed from Him, Heavenly Father did not show His love by removing the burden Christ had to bear. Rather, He sent an angel to strengthen Christ that He might bear it, and asked Him to go forward and complete His earthly mission, despite the extreme personal suffering it caused Him. Heavenly Father knew that Christ had the strength and ability to do what needed to be done, and that all of God's children, including Christ, would be blessed by His willingness to make this sacrifice on their behalf. After Christ's earthly mission was complete, Heavenly Father exalted Christ and gave Him all He had.
So this tells me that Jesus Christ does not show His love for us by lowering His expectations of us when they are difficult for us to achieve, because that is not how Heavenly Father showed His love for Christ. Instead, he strengthens us and helps us rise to meet those expectations when we turn to Him, and freely forgives us as we fall short again and again in our struggle to rise to those high expectations, having full faith that we can achieve what He asks of us with His help, and that when we do, our joy will be full, as His joy became full when He rose to His Father’s expectations of Him.
Personal Experience: I experienced this aspect of God’s love when I was a missionary in the south of France. A big goal in my mission was for each missionary to have at least 10 significant contacts per day, meaning that while you were going about throughout the day you were supposed to talk to at least 10 different people and teach them something, share your testimony about something, or invite them to do something. I’m a pretty shy person and have a huge fear of man, so this was really hard for me. What’s cool to me is that God never said, “Angie, I know this is really hard for you because of your specific weaknesses, so I’m only going to ask you to get 6 contacts per day.” He said, “I know this is really hard for you, but I also know you can do it. I have faith in you.” He loved me enough to ask hard things of me, and I grew and learned and often did meet that expectation.
This experience also taught me how quick the Savior is to forgive. He didn’t hold a grudge against me when I had a day where I didn’t talk to people all day because it seemed too hard. The second I opened my mouth and tried to talk to someone again, He was there, cheering me on, quick to send His Spirit to help me the second I made an effort to do what I knew I needed to do. He wasn’t mad about my shortcomings; He was just so happy and proud to see me making an effort to do His will in spite of them. He wanted to bless me and was there waiting to do so the second I took a step in the right direction. He patiently waited for me to be ready and then showered me with blessings the second I found the inner strength to do His will.
Thought #5: Our love for others should not be conditional on others making choices that we approve of
Discussion: Just like the Savior still loved me and was quick to forgive me when I did not do what He asked of me, we need to be equally loving and forgiving of others when they don’t make the choices we wish they would make or that we think would be best for them. The visiting teaching message in the October 2017 issue of the Ensign magazine was titled “Enfolding with Love Those Who Stray.” I think we have been hearing this message more and more lately from the leaders of the LDS Church, and I think it’s a very important one.
Quote: President Uchtdorf, April 2016 General Conference
“Whatever problems your family is facing, whatever you must do to solve them, the beginning and the end of the solution is charity, the pure love of Christ.”
Story: I recently watched an interview with the Christofferson brothers. D. Todd Christofferson (one of the current 12 apostles of the LDS Church) has a brother named Tom who is gay. They shared a story during the interview that took place a couple years after Tom had come out as gay. At a family reunion, the Christofferson parents sat all their children down and talked about the importance of love and unity in their family. One of the things their mother said was, “The most important lesson that your children will learn from the way our family treats their Uncle Tom is that nothing they can ever do will take them outside the circle of our family’s love.”
Discussion: The Christofferson family chose to love Tom and treat him and the partner he had for many years as fully accepted and loved members of the family, despite the fact that many of them may not have approved of Tom’s choice to have a same-sex partner. They did not let their opinions about his choices interfere with their love for Tom or his partner. They understood the importance of loving others wherever they are in their lives and whatever choices they are currently making.
Conclusion
Those are some of my thoughts on charity! Thanks for reading! I hope this post gives us all the opportunity to ponder more on the topic of what charity looks like and how we can better show this Christlike love to others in our lives. I love you all and am grateful for those of you who have shown me charity in spite of my mistakes and weaknesses. And I am so grateful for my Savior and His perfect example of charity for me and for all of God’s children.
Thought #1: Our love for others should not be conditional on their behavior or treatment of us/others
Scripture: Matthew 5:43-48
43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.
Discussion: We find all sorts of ways to justify treating others unkindly, and the voice of society often backs us up, agreeing that so-and-so deserves harsh or unkind treatment because of this, this, and this. “Bad” people do not deserve love or kindness. Jesus Christ disagrees. In this scripture, Jesus strips away the validity of all of our excuses for unkind treatment of others. We are NEVER justified. We must love, forgive, pray for, and be kind to EVERYONE, regardless of what they have done or how they might have treated us or others. EVERYONE is a child of God with potential for good, whatever you might think of them or however they may currently be using their agency. Love, kindness, and forgiveness are always called for.
Quote: Marvin J. Ashton, April 1992 General Conference
“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else; when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.
Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped.
Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weaknesses and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.”
Personal Experience: This quote was really helpful for me in a situation with a friend a few years ago when I was starting to feel like a victim. I needed to be reminded to be patient and kind and willing to forgive and give her the benefit of the doubt. I also needed to try to see things from her point-of-view.
Discussion: Have you ever noticed that when you start feeling like a victim your love and compassion for the other person decreases, and you can only see how their actions are affecting you? You kind of start seeing them in this one-dimensional way—as someone who is hurting you—instead of a 3-dimensional person with their own concerns and hardships and struggles. It’s hard to see other people in a true, charitable way when we get into that victim mindset.
Thought #2: What does giving someone the benefit of the doubt or expecting the best of each other look like?
Discussion: I think an important part of that whole giving someone the benefit of the doubt idea is going off the assumption that people care about you and are not trying to hurt you.
Quote: President Uchtdorf, April 2016 General Conference
“The great enemy of charity is pride.”
“Pride assumes evil intent where there is none.”
Discussion: I think this whole assuming evil intent where there is none happens way too often in our society today. However, even when people do not have evil intent, they still manage to say and do all sorts of things that we may find hurtful or unhelpful. So what should we do when someone hurts us or does not handle something in the way we might have hoped? Obviously we are commanded to forgive them. But if we are assuming that their intention was to help us, not hurt us, but the way they showed their love and concern for us was not helpful, don’t you think that if they truly care about us that they would appreciate us letting them know that their attempt to help us was unsuccessful and that something else would actually be more helpful to us? I think we often shy away from those kinds of honest conversations, preferring to silently resent the infraction or complain about that person’s behavior to someone else. But I would submit that if we want to show true charity to someone, we need to be honest with them—in a kind, loving way, not a harsh, accusatory way—and give them the opportunity to apologize and change and show their love to us in a more helpful way. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt means assuming that if they had known what would be most helpful to us that’s what they would have done; rather than punishing others for not yet being omniscient like our Heavenly Father, we need to take responsibility for communicating honestly and giving them the information they need to love and serve us in the way that is most helpful to us. In this way we both have the opportunity to learn and grow together in knowledge and love.
Personal Experience: I am a particular fan of this type of honest communication because it changed my life. That same friend I mentioned earlier, it was a good thing the Spirit kept reminding me to treat her with charity through that Marvin J. Ashton quote, because it turned out that she was also feeling like a victim because of weaknesses I had that were hurting her. When she finally chose to communicate honestly with me about my weaknesses and the negative effects they were having on her, I had the opportunity to see myself more truthfully, apologize, and change. Having someone point out your weaknesses to you is never a pleasant experience—in fact it was extremely painful—I shed many, many tears—but in the end I was so grateful to her for helping me see my weaknesses more clearly so that I could change and become better. Change was slow and difficult, but through the process I came to know my Savior more intimately and to trust Him more completely, and He truly changed my heart. I am a different person now than I was before, and the changes I’ve made have brought so much more peace and joy into my life. My friend showed her love for me by communicating honestly with me and then forgiving me and continuing to show me love and friendship as I worked to change. We are both better for the experience and our friendship has been strengthened through it.
Thought #3: Sometimes God shows His love for us by chastening us
Scripture: Hebrews 12:6
“For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth.”
Discussion: This statement sounds so counterintuitive, doesn’t it? Why would you chasten someone you love?
Scripture: Hebrews 12:10
“[The Lord chastens us] for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness.”
Discussion: The Lord knows that we cannot become like Him and receive all that He wants to give us without being corrected when we make choices that are not in line with eternal truths. To become like God we must be stretched out of our comfort zones, put off the natural man, and reach for higher things. We must be willing to sacrifice all things for the Lord, because it is only through discipleship to Him that we can receive a fullness of joy. Our Heavenly Father loves us too much to let us settle for less than the fullness of joy He desires for us.
Scripture: Hebrews12:11
“Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.”
Discussion: I definitely learned this through my experience with my friend. It is so hard to be called out on our weaknesses and be told we need to change, isn’t it? That’s why it’s so important to:
Scripture: D&C 121:43
“[show] forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy”
Discussion: This is such an important part of chastening, when we feel impressed by the Spirit to do so. We must always chasten others out of a place of love, and then show them a ton of love afterwards to assure them that we were acting out of love for them, not anger or annoyance or hatred towards them. When we humbly and gratefully accept divine chastening and work to change, we will be abundantly blessed. I can personally testify of that.
Thought #4: Sometimes God shows His love for us by asking us to do hard things
Scripture: John 15:12
12 This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.
Discussion: The verses leading up to this verse give us more insight into what Christ means when He asks us to love one another as He has loved us. (I think I may have discussed this scripture and my thoughts about it in a previous blog post, but I’ll go ahead and repeat some of them here for those who have not read that post.)
Scripture: John 15:9-11
9 As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love.
10 If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love.
11 These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.
Discussion: So, if Christ has loved us the way Heavenly Father loved Him, to know how we need to show love to each other, we need to know how Heavenly Father showed love to Jesus Christ. How did Heavenly Father show His love for Jesus Christ? Well, basically Heavenly Father sent Jesus Christ to earth and asked Him to do some really hard things. He taught and strengthened and supported Him as He completed His earthly mission, but when Christ asked, when faced with His ultimate challenge of the atonement, of taking on Him the sins and suffering of all of God's children, that if possible that bitter cup be removed from Him, Heavenly Father did not show His love by removing the burden Christ had to bear. Rather, He sent an angel to strengthen Christ that He might bear it, and asked Him to go forward and complete His earthly mission, despite the extreme personal suffering it caused Him. Heavenly Father knew that Christ had the strength and ability to do what needed to be done, and that all of God's children, including Christ, would be blessed by His willingness to make this sacrifice on their behalf. After Christ's earthly mission was complete, Heavenly Father exalted Christ and gave Him all He had.
So this tells me that Jesus Christ does not show His love for us by lowering His expectations of us when they are difficult for us to achieve, because that is not how Heavenly Father showed His love for Christ. Instead, he strengthens us and helps us rise to meet those expectations when we turn to Him, and freely forgives us as we fall short again and again in our struggle to rise to those high expectations, having full faith that we can achieve what He asks of us with His help, and that when we do, our joy will be full, as His joy became full when He rose to His Father’s expectations of Him.
Personal Experience: I experienced this aspect of God’s love when I was a missionary in the south of France. A big goal in my mission was for each missionary to have at least 10 significant contacts per day, meaning that while you were going about throughout the day you were supposed to talk to at least 10 different people and teach them something, share your testimony about something, or invite them to do something. I’m a pretty shy person and have a huge fear of man, so this was really hard for me. What’s cool to me is that God never said, “Angie, I know this is really hard for you because of your specific weaknesses, so I’m only going to ask you to get 6 contacts per day.” He said, “I know this is really hard for you, but I also know you can do it. I have faith in you.” He loved me enough to ask hard things of me, and I grew and learned and often did meet that expectation.
This experience also taught me how quick the Savior is to forgive. He didn’t hold a grudge against me when I had a day where I didn’t talk to people all day because it seemed too hard. The second I opened my mouth and tried to talk to someone again, He was there, cheering me on, quick to send His Spirit to help me the second I made an effort to do what I knew I needed to do. He wasn’t mad about my shortcomings; He was just so happy and proud to see me making an effort to do His will in spite of them. He wanted to bless me and was there waiting to do so the second I took a step in the right direction. He patiently waited for me to be ready and then showered me with blessings the second I found the inner strength to do His will.
Thought #5: Our love for others should not be conditional on others making choices that we approve of
Discussion: Just like the Savior still loved me and was quick to forgive me when I did not do what He asked of me, we need to be equally loving and forgiving of others when they don’t make the choices we wish they would make or that we think would be best for them. The visiting teaching message in the October 2017 issue of the Ensign magazine was titled “Enfolding with Love Those Who Stray.” I think we have been hearing this message more and more lately from the leaders of the LDS Church, and I think it’s a very important one.
Quote: President Uchtdorf, April 2016 General Conference
“Whatever problems your family is facing, whatever you must do to solve them, the beginning and the end of the solution is charity, the pure love of Christ.”
Story: I recently watched an interview with the Christofferson brothers. D. Todd Christofferson (one of the current 12 apostles of the LDS Church) has a brother named Tom who is gay. They shared a story during the interview that took place a couple years after Tom had come out as gay. At a family reunion, the Christofferson parents sat all their children down and talked about the importance of love and unity in their family. One of the things their mother said was, “The most important lesson that your children will learn from the way our family treats their Uncle Tom is that nothing they can ever do will take them outside the circle of our family’s love.”
Discussion: The Christofferson family chose to love Tom and treat him and the partner he had for many years as fully accepted and loved members of the family, despite the fact that many of them may not have approved of Tom’s choice to have a same-sex partner. They did not let their opinions about his choices interfere with their love for Tom or his partner. They understood the importance of loving others wherever they are in their lives and whatever choices they are currently making.
Conclusion
Those are some of my thoughts on charity! Thanks for reading! I hope this post gives us all the opportunity to ponder more on the topic of what charity looks like and how we can better show this Christlike love to others in our lives. I love you all and am grateful for those of you who have shown me charity in spite of my mistakes and weaknesses. And I am so grateful for my Savior and His perfect example of charity for me and for all of God’s children.
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
Successful Change
Successful change requires more than getting rid of bad habits. In order for change to be successful, you have to replace your bad habits with different, more healthy habits.
When I was trying to get away from focusing my life on other people and living for them instead of living my own life, one of the hardest things to do was to figure out how to change my thought processes--what to replace my unhealthy thought patterns with. You do a lot of thinking over the course of a day--what was I supposed to think about instead of dwelling so much on my relationships? It took a lot of prayer and pondering and reading through my patriarchal blessing to find new things to focus on in my life that seemed meaningful.
As a parent, I find that I have much more success influencing my child’s behavior if instead of just telling him he can't do something, I tell him something he can do to replace the negative behavior. For example, if he's using a toy in a way that could damage something (like hitting the wall with it), I tell him other ways he can use the toy instead that would be more appropriate (such as hitting the couch or the bed). Or, instead of hitting his sister when she tries to take a toy he is using, I encourage him to say, “Gracie, please don't take my toy,” and then to pick up his toy and move away from her. Or, instead of hitting me when I explain that we have to leave a place and he wants to stay, using his words to express his feelings instead: “I am feeling upset that we have to leave.” This is still a work in progress (he usually hits me and then uses his words to tell me how he is feeling afterwards), but there are moments when I hear him tell a friend he is playing with that something they're doing is making him sad, or when he is trying to do something and says, “This is so frustrating” instead of screaming, that give me hope that the more I reinforce these healthier methods of handling difficult situations the more he will be able to replace his negative behaviors with more productive ones.
I recently discovered a habit I’ve formed that I think may not be serving me very well, but I haven't figured out what to replace it with yet. I’ve noticed that when I’m in a social situation and I feel anxious or threatened in some way, the coping method I usually use is to withdraw. I don't like competing for attention and will withdraw rather than asserting myself. Thinking back on past experiences when I have done this, I don't think it’s a habit that serves me very well. When I choose to withdraw, I put the full burden of me being involved in the social situation on others and feel insecure if they do not go out of their way to involve me, instead of taking responsibility for my own involvement or lack thereof. I also start interpreting the situation in my mind in ways that add to my feelings of insecurity: “I'm not involved because people don't care about me that much,” or “I’m not involved because I am lacking in some way.”
I’m wondering what healthier strategy I can use to replace my withdrawing strategy. Maybe I just need to dig down to what is triggering the initial feelings of anxiety--what exactly is making me feel threatened--so I can analyze if it's necessary for me to feel threatened. Usually being able to put what is triggering my emotions into words helps me take control of those emotions and debunk any false beliefs that may be lurking in my subconscious.
Honestly, the first step is probably just being able to recognize in the moment that I’m feeling threatened and to be cognizant of my normal reaction to that feeling so that I have the opportunity to consciously make a choice about how I want to react, rather than just letting my subconscious habits take over.
I think that is a worthy first goal for changing this habit: notice when I am tempted to withdraw, analyze the situation, and at least give myself the opportunity to choose to act in a different way instead. That will be my plan for now. I don't know yet what different choice I will make, but I will at least give myself an opportunity to make a different choice. Baby steps ;)
Sunday, August 6, 2017
The Roots of My Dysfunction
I feel like you see the symptoms of your dysfunctions long before you are able to dig down to the real roots of those dysfunctions to weed them out. That's been my own personal experience anyway.
I’ve known for years that something was not right about the way I experienced certain relationships in my life--mostly my emotional responses to them, I guess--but I couldn't put my finger on what my dysfunction was. I could see the symptoms of it--the constant need for reassurance of love from the other person, the desperate desire to be with them every possible second of every day, the insecurity triggered by them having other people and experiences in their life that didn't involve me, etc., etc. I likened my feelings about these relationships to addiction on multiple occasions and knew this could not be a good sign. But I didn't know what I was doing wrong, and I didn't know how to change. I don't think I even knew I was supposed to change or that change was possible.
I knew my emotional experience was not “normal” or socially acceptable--I knew the word “needy” had very negative connotations and that needy people were generally spoken of with exasperation and contempt--so I tried to act normal and keep most of my crazy hidden inside. I tried to explain my feelings to myself in ways that put a positive spin on my experience rather than making me sound incredibly creepy and dysfunctional. After all, none of us likes feeling dysfunctional. I just loved people more intensely than your average person. That's not a bad thing, right? How can you love someone too much?
As long as I called the emotions I was experiencing “love” it was difficult to figure out where I was going wrong, since it's hard to argue that loving someone is a bad thing. But somewhere along the line my definition of love had gotten all tangled up with need and insecurity and control, and all those separate pieces had to be unraveled before I could clearly see what was love and what was dysfunction.
This work of recognizing my weaknesses, unraveling all the pieces, and reworking my definition of love began two years into a relationship with a close friend. When my friend was finally brave enough to communicate her feelings more honestly and set boundaries with me, I finally came face to face with the reality of how my weaknesses were affecting our relationship and how and why I needed to change.
Tracing my dysfunctional behaviors back to their roots was a long, slow, painful process. I was already so deep into the relationship and behaviors that I had to work backwards to figure out where they were coming from and what I needed to do differently. I was able to uncover some of the roots of my dysfunction, but some remained a mystery to me. I could clearly see the behaviors and emotions that were unproductive and work on changing those, but I wasn't sure what motivated me to begin them--why certain relationships triggered these behaviors and emotions for me and others did not.
Recently I made a new friend. As the friendship progressed, I started feeling the crazy coming on. None of my relationships had triggered it since the friendship that I had worked through a lot of my issues with. This time I was prepared to meet the crazy head on though. I was able to say, “Hello, old friend. Let's figure out who you are. If I can name you, you will have less power over me and I will be able to see clearly to unravel you before you start tangling me in your web of dysfunction.” And, after a lot of pondering on what may be triggering the crazy in this new relationship, I think I may have finally uncovered a couple more of the deep roots of my dysfunction.
Here is my hypothesis (and I reserve the right to modify it in the future, as needed, as future experiences make additional truths more clear to me): I think that when I am in a relationship with someone that I really like, but I don't feel like I am in a position of power in the relationship (for example, if I sense that the relationship may be more significant to me than it is to the other person), then as my love for that person grows, my fear of loss or rejection grows as well, in equal proportion. I think all of my dysfunctional behaviors are born out of this fear and the habits I’ve formed to try to cope with it.
When I start loving someone a lot, but I feel unsure if I’ll be able to keep them, and the more I love them the scarier not being able to keep them gets, I start feeling a panicked need to control the relationship somehow to make me feel safer in it. Basically, I start trying to control the other person and their feelings towards me in various ways to make sure they keep loving me and can't live without me. This leads to serving with strings attached (offering tons of self-sacrificing service in exchange for love and security in the relationship instead of setting reasonable boundaries for myself and letting the other person set their own reasonable boundaries), lots of over-the-top proclamations of praise and love for the other person, insecurity about all aspects of the other person’s life that don't involve me and are therefore out of my control, the need for constant reassurance of love from the other person to ensure that my strategy of controlling how they feel about me is succeeding, and a disproportionate sense of responsibility for the success or failure of the relationship overall since I am trying to control both sides of it instead of making my own choices and letting the other person make theirs, independent of me.
Recognizing where the feelings of panic and desperation that trigger my dysfunctional behaviors come from helps a lot in learning to manage those emotions in healthier ways. Since I already know from all my work in my other friendship that any control I think I have over the relationship is a complete illusion and that the strategies I use to try to control the relationship not only hurt the relationship but also make me feel more insecure rather than safer in the relationship (the complete opposite of what I’m trying to accomplish), it's pretty easy to conclude that trying to manage my fear by trying to control the relationship is a losing strategy on all sides and will not help me achieve a single one of my relationship goals. Having a personal testimony of that makes it a lot easier to choose to let go of the need for control, now that I know that's what I’m feeling, and relax and leave the other person free to make their own choices and be responsible for their own half of the relationship.
Realizing that I have no power to control the relationship or anyone else’s feelings about me is scary in some ways, but also very relieving in other ways. I don't have to hustle for my worthiness (that's a Brene Brown quote) because it won't do me any good anyway. Other people get to choose how they feel about me no matter what I do or don't do, so I may as well just be me and relieve myself of the burden of trying to take responsibility for others’ feelings about me. I can't be perfect, and even Jesus Christ, the only perfect person, was hated by a ton of people, hated so violently, in fact, that they put Him to death over it. Sheesh! You're never going to win the control how other people feel about you game, so it's just better not to try to play it.
So here's my goal, my new strategy going forward:
1) Accept that loving someone is a scary thing, and that's okay;
2) Respect and love other people enough to let them make the choices that are best for them rather than trying to control their feelings and choices to try to protect myself from loss and rejection; and
3) Self-validate rather than trying to use other people to validate me and my worthiness
Thanks for reading! Good luck to you all in uncovering the roots of your own dysfunctions ;)
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Casting Out the Bitter Fruit
I was reading Jacob chapter 5 during my Book of Mormon study the other day, and the Holy Ghost taught me something new that I had never noticed before when reading that chapter. For those of you who are familiar with the Book of Mormon, Jacob 5 is the very long chapter that gives the allegory of the tame and wild olive trees.
The part of the allegory that I found the most interesting reading through this time starts in verse 64. This is the part where the Lord of the vineyard is going forth to prune his vineyard for the last time, and he says to his servant, “And if it be so that these last grafts shall grow, and bring forth the natural fruit, then shall ye prepare the way for them, that they may grow.” The Lord of the vineyard then goes on in verse 65 to explain to his servant how he should prepare the way for these last grafts to grow and bring forth natural fruit:
“And as they begin to grow ye shall clear away the branches which bring forth bitter fruit, according to the strength of the good and the size thereof; and ye shall not clear away the bad thereof all at once, lest the roots thereof should be too strong for the graft, and the graft thereof shall perish, and I lose the trees of my vineyard...wherefore ye shall clear away the bad according as the good shall grow, that the root and the top may be equal in strength, until the good shall overcome the bad, and the bad be hewn down and cast into the fire, that they cumber not the ground of my vineyard; and thus will I sweep away the bad out of my vineyard” (emphasis added).
I had never noticed these specific instructions from the Lord before, and they helped me understand better the method the Lord is using to establish His kingdom on the earth in our day. He gives us truth line upon line, as we are ready to receive it, strengthening the good before getting rid of more of the bitter fruit that is a product of our society and culture and not in line with His teachings, so as not to kill the tree with more truth and change than it can handle all at once.
Sometimes it is difficult to understand how anything that does not exactly align with God’s view of things could exist in His church. For example, why did it take so long for revelation to come about black people being able to hold the priesthood? According to the words of the allegory, the Lord and His servants in the vineyard had to strengthen the good enough before they could pluck off and cast away the branches containing that bitter fruit, or they risked losing the whole tree. Other examples could be given as well.
I think in many ways the Lord is much more patient with the process of carefully pruning, digging about, and nurturing His vineyard than we are. He is also much more patient with each of us individually than we tend to be, either with ourselves or with each other. Thank goodness this is true. It is this infinite love and patience we must learn if we are to participate with the Lord in His work of salvation, that we may be inspired to say, like the servant in the allegory, “Spare it a little longer.” Give this person another chance. Give the Lord’s church and the people in it more time to learn and grow and align their thoughts and actions with the Lord. Don't give up too soon and throw the good away with the bad. Strengthen the good, until all the bad can little by little be plucked out and cast away, leaving only the natural fruit that the Lord is seeking to preserve.
I can't wait until we reach the part of the allegory in verse 74 that says, “the bad had been cast away out of the vineyard, and the Lord had preserved unto himself that the trees had become again the natural fruit; and they became like unto one body; and the fruits were equal.” What a glorious day that will be when all the bitter fruit and false ideas have been plucked out of the Lord’s vineyard and we are all equal and like unto one body before the Lord, full of love and unity and perfect understanding of the Lord and His truths. May we each labor diligently in His vineyard to bring about that glorious day. I share these thoughts in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
The part of the allegory that I found the most interesting reading through this time starts in verse 64. This is the part where the Lord of the vineyard is going forth to prune his vineyard for the last time, and he says to his servant, “And if it be so that these last grafts shall grow, and bring forth the natural fruit, then shall ye prepare the way for them, that they may grow.” The Lord of the vineyard then goes on in verse 65 to explain to his servant how he should prepare the way for these last grafts to grow and bring forth natural fruit:
“And as they begin to grow ye shall clear away the branches which bring forth bitter fruit, according to the strength of the good and the size thereof; and ye shall not clear away the bad thereof all at once, lest the roots thereof should be too strong for the graft, and the graft thereof shall perish, and I lose the trees of my vineyard...wherefore ye shall clear away the bad according as the good shall grow, that the root and the top may be equal in strength, until the good shall overcome the bad, and the bad be hewn down and cast into the fire, that they cumber not the ground of my vineyard; and thus will I sweep away the bad out of my vineyard” (emphasis added).
I had never noticed these specific instructions from the Lord before, and they helped me understand better the method the Lord is using to establish His kingdom on the earth in our day. He gives us truth line upon line, as we are ready to receive it, strengthening the good before getting rid of more of the bitter fruit that is a product of our society and culture and not in line with His teachings, so as not to kill the tree with more truth and change than it can handle all at once.
Sometimes it is difficult to understand how anything that does not exactly align with God’s view of things could exist in His church. For example, why did it take so long for revelation to come about black people being able to hold the priesthood? According to the words of the allegory, the Lord and His servants in the vineyard had to strengthen the good enough before they could pluck off and cast away the branches containing that bitter fruit, or they risked losing the whole tree. Other examples could be given as well.
I think in many ways the Lord is much more patient with the process of carefully pruning, digging about, and nurturing His vineyard than we are. He is also much more patient with each of us individually than we tend to be, either with ourselves or with each other. Thank goodness this is true. It is this infinite love and patience we must learn if we are to participate with the Lord in His work of salvation, that we may be inspired to say, like the servant in the allegory, “Spare it a little longer.” Give this person another chance. Give the Lord’s church and the people in it more time to learn and grow and align their thoughts and actions with the Lord. Don't give up too soon and throw the good away with the bad. Strengthen the good, until all the bad can little by little be plucked out and cast away, leaving only the natural fruit that the Lord is seeking to preserve.
I can't wait until we reach the part of the allegory in verse 74 that says, “the bad had been cast away out of the vineyard, and the Lord had preserved unto himself that the trees had become again the natural fruit; and they became like unto one body; and the fruits were equal.” What a glorious day that will be when all the bitter fruit and false ideas have been plucked out of the Lord’s vineyard and we are all equal and like unto one body before the Lord, full of love and unity and perfect understanding of the Lord and His truths. May we each labor diligently in His vineyard to bring about that glorious day. I share these thoughts in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
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