Successful Change

Successful change requires more than getting rid of bad habits. In order for change to be successful, you have to replace your bad habits with different, more healthy habits.

When I was trying to get away from focusing my life on other people and living for them instead of living my own life, one of the hardest things to do was to figure out how to change my thought processes--what to replace my unhealthy thought patterns with. You do a lot of thinking over the course of a day--what was I supposed to think about instead of dwelling so much on my relationships? It took a lot of prayer and pondering and reading through my patriarchal blessing to find new things to focus on in my life that seemed meaningful.

As a parent, I find that I have much more success influencing my child’s behavior if instead of just telling him he can't do something, I tell him something he can do to replace the negative behavior. For example, if he's using a toy in a way that could damage something (like hitting the wall with it), I tell him other ways he can use the toy instead that would be more appropriate (such as hitting the couch or the bed). Or, instead of hitting his sister when she tries to take a toy he is using, I encourage him to say, “Gracie, please don't take my toy,” and then to pick up his toy and move away from her. Or, instead of hitting me when I explain that we have to leave a place and he wants to stay, using his words to express his feelings instead: “I am feeling upset that we have to leave.” This is still a work in progress (he usually hits me and then uses his words to tell me how he is feeling afterwards), but there are moments when I hear him tell a friend he is playing with that something they're doing is making him sad, or when he is trying to do something and says, “This is so frustrating” instead of screaming, that give me hope that the more I reinforce these healthier methods of handling difficult situations the more he will be able to replace his negative behaviors with more productive ones.

I recently discovered a habit I’ve formed that I think may not be serving me very well, but I haven't figured out what to replace it with yet. I’ve noticed that when I’m in a social situation and I feel anxious or threatened in some way, the coping method I usually use is to withdraw. I don't like competing for attention and will withdraw rather than asserting myself. Thinking back on past experiences when I have done this, I don't think it’s a habit that serves me very well. When I choose to withdraw, I put the full burden of me being involved in the social situation on others and feel insecure if they do not go out of their way to involve me, instead of taking responsibility for my own involvement or lack thereof. I also start interpreting the situation in my mind in ways that add to my feelings of insecurity: “I'm not involved because people don't care about me that much,” or “I’m not involved because I am lacking in some way.”

I’m wondering what healthier strategy I can use to replace my withdrawing strategy. Maybe I just need to dig down to what is triggering the initial feelings of anxiety--what exactly is making me feel threatened--so I can analyze if it's necessary for me to feel threatened. Usually being able to put what is triggering my emotions into words helps me take control of those emotions and debunk any false beliefs that may be lurking in my subconscious.

Honestly, the first step is probably just being able to recognize in the moment that I’m feeling threatened and to be cognizant of my normal reaction to that feeling so that I have the opportunity to consciously make a choice about how I want to react, rather than just letting my subconscious habits take over.

I think that is a worthy first goal for changing this habit: notice when I am tempted to withdraw, analyze the situation, and at least give myself the opportunity to choose to act in a different way instead. That will be my plan for now. I don't know yet what different choice I will make, but I will at least give myself an opportunity to make a different choice. Baby steps ;)