Purging Myself of False Beliefs

A lot of the learning I have done over the last several months has involved purging myself of false beliefs. A useful skill I have developed during my learning process is tracing my emotions back to the belief that triggered them, and then deciding if that belief is true or false and whether I still want to believe it or not. When you can find the source of your emotions, it gives you the power to change them and makes you feel like much less of a victim. Here are some of the false beliefs I have discovered and had to purge myself of so far:

1. Life is about spending time with people you love. This is false. This is a great perk to life, but it is not what life is about. Life is about learning to become like God and helping others do the same. It’s about using the talents I have been given to build God's kingdom on the earth and bless others' lives and become better in the process. I can't just center my life on others and live their life instead of my own, like I have a tendency to do with people I love a lot. Like Christ explains in His parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30), I can't bury or neglect my own talents; I have to use my time here on earth wisely and make my own plans and goals to improve myself and bless others, not just hang around cool people and expect them to make me happy and save me instead of the Savior. This is not the path to lasting joy and fulfillment. I have to put God and loving and serving Him first. I often get in trouble by switching up those first two commandments. The first commandment is “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind” and the second is “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:36-40). When I start loving others with all my heart, soul and mind and keep God at a distance, that’s when I get into trouble. It was a little tricky to figure this false belief out, because loving other people is a good thing, but when I put loving other people before loving and serving God, my life starts to get out of balance and the peace and joy that comes from having my will aligned with the Lord’s is missing.
   
   
2. I can control how others feel about me. This is also false. I realized that in my life I’ve always tried to do everything “right” so that people would have no excuse not to like me. I thought that if I was nice and thoughtful and serviceable enough, I could control the way other people felt about me. This is not true. It doesn't matter how nice or thoughtful or serviceable I am: I can't make someone love me more than they choose to love me or give me more in the relationship than they choose to give. As evidenced by the life of the Savior, even if I was a perfect person and did everything perfectly, people could still choose not to like me. And I am far from perfect. I have to let other people make their own choices about whether they want to love me in spite of my imperfections and weaknesses. I need to stop loving and serving others with strings attached, trying to obligate other people to love, protect and take care of me by offering them martyr-like service instead of setting appropriate boundaries on what I am willing to do and allowing others to set their own boundaries. People don't like being forced into loving someone; they want to make that choice freely, not guilted into it because you go to such great lengths to be nice and thoughtful and to serve them.
   
   
3. Other people's ideas, beliefs, or opinions are more correct and/or important than my own. If someone disagrees with my idea or opinion, it means they don't like me. If I have a bad or flawed idea, this makes me a bad person. These are all false beliefs. My own ideas, beliefs, and opinions are just as valid and important as anyone else's. Just because someone else has a certain opinion and declares it very boldly and confidently does not make it true. Other people disapproving of what I am doing does not necessarily make what I am doing wrong. Other people having different opinions than me doesn't make my opinions wrong or of less intrinsic value, nor does it make me of less intrinsic value. It's very possible to disagree with someone and still love them and not think any less of them. Having an idea that doesn't work or that has cons is an opportunity to learn and come up with a different idea, not a reason to repent.

A lot of the things I've been learning are probably obvious to a lot of people, but they were not obvious to me. I didn't even realize I believed a lot of these things until recently. It can be hard to recognize the underlying assumptions you are making that are guiding your thoughts, feelings and actions. Not until you recognize these assumptions do you have the power to question them and to change them.

All the false beliefs I've been recognizing in myself have made me more aware of the beliefs that other people hold and are using to guide their thoughts and decisions. For example, I recently took a survey about my thoughts on the equality of men and women in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was a pretty biased survey; you could tell what opinions the survey writers held on the matter, and I definitely felt from the questions and the answer options I was given like I was being pushed to give evidence for their opinions rather than being given the opportunity to honestly communicate my own thoughts.

One specific question on the survey really stood out to me though because of the false belief I recognized behind the question. The question asked something along the lines of, if women held more leadership roles in the church, how would that affect your religious/spiritual life? This question assumes that other people can have a significant influence on a person's personal religious/spiritual life. This is false. The quality of my religious/spiritual life completely depends on me and the personal relationship that I develop with my Heavenly Father. Other people only have as much power over my religious/spiritual life as I give them. Other people's choices or responsibilities in the church have nothing to do with my own personal relationship with Deity. As Paul explains so eloquently in Romans 8:35, 37-39:

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

We have to take responsibility for the quality of our own religious/spiritual life and not blame any lack we feel in that area on other people or on circumstances that we think are less than ideal. The weaknesses and shortcomings of men and women cannot separate us from the love of God and a rich religious/spiritual life.

As I've discovered and worked to rid myself of the false beliefs I've developed throughout my life and replace them with truth, my heart and my perspective have changed, and I have been able to feel so much more peace and joy in my life and to become so much better of a disciple of Christ.

In honor of the Christmas season, and in celebration of His birth and life, I want to share my personal testimony of Jesus Christ with you.

My Testimony of Jesus Christ

I know Jesus Christ lives. I know that He came to earth to free us from sin and death. I know that through His atonement we can be cleansed from all our sins and have our hearts changed. I have seen my own heart change as I have humbly sought His will for me and prayed sincerely for help to change. I know that the more we align our lives with God's will, the more joy and peace we will feel, no matter what hardships we are facing. Christ really is the Prince of Peace and can give us peace and comfort that passes understanding even in the darkest times of our lives. As we learn to follow His example and become true disciples of Christ, we will come to a greater understanding of spiritual truths and our burdens will be lightened.

I know that we each had a personal relationship with our Savior before this life and that He wants nothing more than to see us safely back home again with our Father in Heaven and has made that possible for each one of us through His atonement and is cheering us on every step of the way. He is patient and forgiving of our weaknesses, empathetic to our sorrows and struggles, and joyous at our triumphs. He is our Savior and Redeemer, our advocate with the Father, and a true and trusted friend to all who humbly seek Him. My gift to Him and to you this holiday season is to share my testimony of my Savior, Jesus Christ, in His name, amen.

Have I Done Any Good?

I realized today that throughout my life I've often used other people's reactions to me as a type of barometer to gauge how my life is going and how I am doing as a person. There are several problems with this approach to life. First of all, the way other people react to me is a better reflection of who they are and of the choices they are making than of who I am or of my choices. Second, other people are imperfect, and the way they react to me at any given time is often influenced by all sorts of things that have nothing to do with me at all. Third, even if other people are thinking nice things about me all the time, I often attribute negative thoughts and emotions to them that they never even had in the first place. So, all around, using other people and their reactions to me as an indication of the quality of either my life or myself is a very bad plan and makes for a terribly inaccurate barometer.

So I decided that I needed a replacement barometer for my life. What could I use in place of the reactions of others to let me know how I was doing and how my life was going? I thought of God's love first, but then I decided that's not much of a barometer, since even if I was a terrible person and doing terrible things, God would still love me. Then I thought of gauging it by how well I'm keeping commandments, but since I am also imperfect, gauging my life by how perfectly I am doing everything I am supposed to sounds like a quick way to drowned in an ocean of guilt. 

I finally hit on a replacement barometer that I feel good about. There's a song called "Have I Done Any Good in the World Today?" that we sing at church sometimes. When I thought of it, I decided that gauging myself and my life by the good I have done or have tried to do each day is a much better indicator of where I am and of how I should feel about myself and my life. I do some good each day, not always the same good, but always some good. The product of my efforts to do good will often be imperfect, and sometimes others may choose not to accept the efforts I make, but that doesn't change the fact that I tried to do good the best way I knew how to at that time. Then each day I can offer all the good I have tried to do to God and ask Him to bless and multiply my efforts and use them to further His work of salvation for His children on the earth. I offer what I can give, and then God does the rest, like when the lad offered his five barley loaves and two small fishes, and Jesus used them to feed five thousand people (John 6:9-14, King James Bible). That's how you live a good life: do what good you can each day, try to improve when you make mistakes, forgive others for their mistakes, and ask God to guide your efforts and to use them to further His divine work for His children. And that's my new barometer: What good have I done in the world today?

Learning to Trust God

I've always been a little afraid of trusting God. I knew that God sometimes lets bad things happen to people or asks people to do really hard, scary things. I thought I knew what I needed to be happy, and I thought if I let God decide, He would take those things away. Through recent experience, I've realized that pursuing what I thought I needed to be happy has actually led to a lot more suffering and heartache than just trusting God and humbly following His plan for me would have. God knows what I need to find joy and peace in my life; I just need to trust Him. I'm finally in a humble enough place to do that, to say to God, I will do whatever you ask of me. I know your way is the best way to love, light, peace, joy, and comfort.

I think often we try to use things other than God to fill the void that is left in our lives while we are here on earth separated from God's presence and the feeling of His infinite love for us. I often try to use other people and their love to fill that void. Trying to use other imperfect people to save you and to meet all your needs doesn't work very well though. Other people, no matter how wonderful, will inevitably let you down or fall short in some way. Only God has a perfect knowledge of you and the capacity to fulfill every need, to heal every wound, and to comfort every sorrow. We are told again and again in the scriptures to put our trust in God and not in the arm of flesh, and yet people and positions and possessions here often seem so much easier to trust, so much surer of a way to gain the happiness we are seeking.

Based on my recent experiences, I can testify that when you choose to let go of whatever you are holding onto instead of God and turn to the Lord for the love, validation, relief, fulfillment, or comfort you are seeking, He will not let you down. The Lord will support you and fill every need as you seek to know His will for you and to follow it. Letting go can be really painful, but once you've worked through all the painful emotions and all the false beliefs and assumptions you've been living by, the Holy Ghost is there to teach you, and you realize that God was right there next to you waiting to help you all along, but you were too distracted by whatever you were holding onto instead to see Him. But once you've humbled yourself enough to change, to ask for help and to be taught, He is there. This is what I've learned.

Learning to trust God more has helped change my perspective on life in a lot of positive ways. I've always had a big problem with fear of man and letting my life and emotions be run by other people's opinions and expectations of me. It's actually very freeing to realize that God's expectations of me are the only ones that matter. Getting my love and validation from Him instead of from other imperfect people solves so many of my fears and problems.

Trusting God and knowing that He is ultimately in charge and that He is just as invested in each of His children as I could ever possibly be also makes it a lot easier to trust others and to let them make their own decisions without having to try to control them. I don't need to take saving others upon myself; God's going to take care of that. All I need to do is love them, pray for them, and follow any promptings I receive from the Lord on what He may need me to do on His behalf to help them at a certain moment. But He is the one that will ultimately teach me and teach them what we need to know and do to gain salvation. Another burden I thought I had to carry that I really don't.

It's amazing how many false ideas and assumptions we get in our heads and then live our lives by during this life. The gift of the Holy Ghost that we receive at baptism is such an important, precious gift from the Lord to help us challenge those assumptions and learn truth little by little throughout our lives as we humble ourselves enough to listen. I've been reading a book by M. Catherine Thomas, a former BYU religion professor, called Spiritual Lightening. It's like she wrote this book for me and for this exact moment in my life. She talks a lot about the importance of studying and really coming to know and live by God's word and how when we believe things that aren't true and live our lives based on those untruths it makes our burdens so much heavier than they need to be. Learning the truth through the Holy Ghost, prayer, and the word of God will result in a spiritual lightening of our burdens. I feel like the Holy Ghost has been teaching me so much lately, and it really has lightened my load and given me so much clearer of a perspective on life and on what God expects of me. The Holy Ghost and the truths He has been teaching me have been hard to learn, but in the end they have brought so much peace and understanding and joy to my life.

Here are some of the scriptures that have been meaningful to me throughout my learning process that I wanted to share with you:

Doctrine and Covenants 42:61

61 If thou shalt ask, thou shalt receive revelation upon revelation, knowledge upon knowledge, that thou mayest know the mysteries and peaceable things--that which bringeth joy, that which bringeth life eternal.

Galatians 5:22-23 (King James Bible)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

23 Meekness, temperance...

Jacob 4:13 (Book of Mormon)

"...the Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not. Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be; wherefore, these things are manifested unto us plainly, for the salvation of our souls."

Moses 6:61 (Pearl of Great Price)

61 Therefore it is given to abide in you; the record of heaven; the Comforter; the peaceable things of immortal glory; the truth of all things; that which quickeneth all things, which maketh alive all things; that which knoweth all things, and hath all power according to wisdom, mercy, truth, justice, and judgment.

Job 23:8-10 (King James Bible)

8 Behold, I go forward, but he is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive him:

9 On the left hand, where he doth work, but I cannot behold him: he hideth himself on the right hand, that I cannot see him:

10 But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

Mosiah 7:29, 33 (Book of Mormon)

29 For behold, the Lord hath said: I will not succor my people in the day of their transgression; but I will hedge up their ways that they prosper not; and their doings shall be as a stumbling block before them.

33 But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.

John 6:35 (King James Bible)

35 And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst.

I know that as you come to trust God and dedicate your life to Him and His work, you will find the peace and joy you have been searching for and you will be filled. Pray humbly and sincerely, study the scriptures, and live by His word. He will be there to bear you up in your afflictions, teach you and love you. I know this to be true. I share these things with you in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ, amen.

The Color Code, Change, and Charity

Everyone should read The Color Code by Dr. Taylor Hartman (now called The People Code in its updated and revised edition). I've read lots of different books and taken lots of different kinds of personality tests, but this one is probably the most helpful book I've ever read in helping me understand both myself and others better. Other tests and books have helped me understand specific things about myself: I'm an introvert, a verbal learner, a firstborn, my top love languages are quality time and physical touch, etc. The Color Code, however, gave me the most well-rounded understanding of my innate personality as a whole, what motivates me, what my specific strengths and weaknesses are, and how they are different from the motivations, strengths and weaknesses of other personality types.

For those of you who have never heard of the color code before, Dr. Hartman divides everyone up into four main personality types or "colors." Reds are motivated by "power," Blues are motivated by "intimacy," Whites are motivated by "peace," and Yellows are motivated by "fun." You can take a test for free online that will tell you what your main color or personality is and some information about that personality type. You have to pay to find out your secondary color and additional information though. It's good to know your main color, but it's totally worth acquiring a copy of the book to find out more in depth information on your innate strengths and weaknesses and how your personality type interacts with the other personality types. It helped me understand myself and my relationships with others so much better. In case you were wondering, I am a combination of the Blue and White personality types, with Blue being the stronger of the two. I am definitely motivated by intimacy and relationships.

I wish I had read this book sooner, because it helped me understand aspects of myself and the way I interact in certain relationships that I have been trying to understand for a long time. It also helped me identify weaknesses in myself that I did not really grasp the full extent of before. Learning about your weaknesses can be hard; no one likes to be told what they're bad at or the ways in which they fall short. Often we either try to protect ourselves from the knowledge by denying it or justifying it, or if we recognize that it's true, we just feel depressed and bad about ourselves. It's so easy to react in a prideful way rather than a humble way, but we get so much farther in life and are able to progress so much more when we are humble, recognize and accept our weaknesses, and work to change, with faith and hope that we can change and that the Lord will help us.

I'm so grateful for Jesus Christ and His atonement and for the opportunity God has given us to repent and change when we make mistakes. His plan is so perfect. There would be no hope for any of us without the atonement; we all have so many weaknesses and make so many mistakes; we could never get back to God on our own. I'm so grateful that Jesus Christ loved us enough that He was willing to pay the price of all of our sins so that when we turn to God and repent we can be forgiven.

I'm also grateful that Christ was not only willing to suffer for our sins, but that He was also willing to experience all of the suffering we go through here in mortality so that He knows how to comfort us in our hard times and to heal us when we are hurt by others or by the circumstances of our lives. Only through the Savior can all the wrongs of this life be righted, all our wounds be healed, and all our tears be turned to joy. I know that Jesus Christ lives and that through Him we can find comfort and hope, no matter our circumstances, as well as strength to overcome our weaknesses and to make it through this life.

I feel like a big part of becoming like God, perhaps the single most important attribute we have to acquire during this life, is charity, learning to love others the way Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love us. This is not easy to do, but I think it's easier the more we recognize our own weaknesses and realize how much we have to be forgiven for and how patient and merciful God is with us. Loving someone, especially when they don't "deserve" it, is a powerful thing. That's why marriage is so great: you have someone who knows your weaknesses very well, but who also sees your strengths and your potential and loves you and sticks with you as you struggle to learn and grow and become someone better. It's in marriage and parenthood, especially when you stick it out, even when it's hard, that you really start learning to have charity and to become like God.

I just want to end this blog post with some of my favorite scriptures about charity and the atonement:

John 3:16-17 (King James Bible)

16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

1 John 4:19 (King James Bible):

19 We love him, because he first loved us.

Matthew 5:43-48 (King James Bible):

43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?

47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?

48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (King James Bible):

4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

1 Peter 4:8 (King James Bible):

8 And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.

Moroni 7:46-48 (Book of Mormon):

46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail--

47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.

48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.

Alma 7:11-15 (Book of Mormon):

11 And [Christ] shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.

14 Now I say unto you that ye must repent, and be born again; for the Spirit saith if ye are not born again ye cannot inherit the kingdom of heaven; therefore come and be baptized unto repentance, that ye may be washed from your sins, that ye may have faith on the Lamb of God, who taketh away the sins of the world, who is mighty to save and to cleanse from all unrighteousness.

15 Yea, I say unto you come and fear not, and lay aside every sin, which easily doth beset you, which doth bind you down to destruction, yea, come and go forth, and show unto your God that ye are willing to repent of your sins and enter into a covenant with him to keep his commandments, and witness it unto him this day by going into the waters of baptism.

Doctrine and Covenants 19:16-19:

16 For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;

17 But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I;

18 Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—

19 Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men.

Isaiah 25:8 (King James Bible):

8 He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the Lord hath spoken it.

And this is just a fantastic quote about charity:

"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else; when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.

Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped.

Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weaknesses and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.”

(Marvin J. Ashton, April 1992 General Conference)

The Power of Missions

Church was awesome today! Two of the speakers in our first meeting were young women who had just returned home after 18 months of serving as full-time missionaries, teaching people about Jesus Christ and His gospel, about the purpose of this life, and about what they need to do to gain eternal life and to live with God and their families forever. Listening to these young women speak about their experiences reminded me how powerful and transformative missions can be, both for the people whose lives are changed as they learn about God's plan and act on Christ's teachings, and for the missionaries themselves who are doing the teaching.

If I haven't mentioned it before in this blog, I am an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, sometimes referred to as the Mormon church due to The Book of Mormon, another book of scripture written by ancient prophets that teaches about Jesus Christ and that we study along with The Bible. I served an 18 month mission myself in the south of France from 2006-2007. It was one of the hardest, most worthwhile things I have ever done in my life. I learned and grew so much from that experience, and listening to those young women speak today, I was reminded of my own time as a missionary and the powerful lessons I learned during that time. I'm thinking of starting a second blog to use as a place to record some of my mission experiences and the lessons I learned from them: stay tuned. 

Anyway, so church was awesome, and I felt the presence of the Holy Ghost so strongly as I listened to those young women speak and share their testimonies of Jesus Christ, His role as our Savior, and the very real presence He can be in each of our lives as we pray and seek to know Him and to follow His teachings. You could feel the inner strength and conviction these young women had developed as they gave their all to serve Christ and God's children. It was very inspiring. I love missions and the power they have to change people's lives.

The Job Hunt

Two months after graduation, Ted is still job hunting. It doesn't seem like Mechanical Engineering should be that difficult of a field to find a job in, but I guess in today's economy every field is tough to find a job in. 

There was a time when I would have been very concerned about Ted not having a job lined up as soon as he graduated. Somehow, I'm not so concerned about it anymore. What Ted does for a job doesn't seem as important as it once did. Of course, I want Ted to be happy at work, and of course, we would like to be able to afford to live in our own place again one day and not have to live with my parents forever, but we're getting by for now, and I'm sure other job opportunities will come along.

I just feel like whatever happens, whatever stepping stone jobs Ted has to take to work up to what he really wants to do, we'll make it work. We'll find ways to meet our financial obligations and provide for our family. I don't need many material goods to be happy; I just need to be able to spend time with people I love. I'm so grateful for the family and friends I have in my life and for the happiness they bring me. I'm grateful for my husband and son and that we'll always have each other as we figure out this mortal life together. And I'm grateful that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and who is looking out for me and my little family and will guide us in the best path for us to learn and grow and find joy in this life and in the life after. I feel at peace about my future, despite the uncertainty of the present, and I'm grateful for that blessing from the Lord, and for this time living with my family before we go wherever Ted's next employment opportunity takes us.

On Marriage and Parenthood

Because we met as fellow teachers in a "no dating allowed" volunteer English teaching program in Moscow, Russia, Ted and I got to know each other very well as friends before we ever considered having a dating relationship. Long before I knew I was romantically interested in him, I knew Ted was the kind of person that would be an amazing husband and father and a very safe person to marry. He was humble, honest, dependable, service-oriented, and cared a lot about people. Once I decided I was romantically interested in him (he had to decide first - my personal credo was don't bother liking a boy until you know he likes you - it saves you a lot of heartache and wasted time that way), I never had to think twice about whether or not I wanted to marry him. I already knew the kind of person he was, and I knew it was the kind of person who would never stop loving and caring for me and my children. So, I married him, and he's been proving me right ever since.

I'm pretty sure I was born to be married; marriage is pretty much the best thing ever, as far as I'm concerned. It helps if you're married to someone as awesome as Ted. We never really went through a difficult transition stage: marriage was just better, better than being single, better than dating, better than being engaged. We've definitely faced challenges as a married couple, most notably financial challenges, but we get to face them together and learn from and about each other in the process. Marriage teaches us about our individual weaknesses and how they affect others and helps push us to do better, to be better, to become more selfless. Marriage is someone knowing you and all your weaknesses and loving you anyway, because they can also see all your strengths and your potential. Marriage is just awesome.

Before we had our son Sam, I'd read that bringing a child into the mix can put a strain on a couple's relationship. I wanted to make sure that Ted and I could keep our marriage strong as we added children to our family. It turns out I needn't have worried. So far, becoming parents has only brought us closer together. Ted says that he loves me even more now that I'm a mother, and I've found a million more reasons to love and appreciate Ted as I've seen him care for and interact with our son in his role as a father. Ted says he expected that a child would be a lot of hard work, but worthwhile, but he didn't know that he would love our child so much. He says that Sam brings so much joy to his life. I love how much my husband loves me and how much he loves our son; it makes the hard parts of parenting so much easier. Ted doesn't just love Sam when he is happy and cute; he also loves him when he is crying hysterically for no reason. You might think that babies are always easy to love, but they're not. Sometimes you want to tell them, hey, I'm doing a lot for you; you better just buck up and be happy, but Ted's not like that. I'm so grateful  for him and for his example and that I have such a wonderful partner to parent with.

I feel like by becoming parents, Ted and I have arrived at the crux of God's Plan of Salvation. This is what it's all for: everything I've learned and done in my life has been preparing me for this moment, for this great undertaking of bringing another of God's children into the world to get a physical body and to learn and grow until he is ready to do the same, and the cycle goes on and on, each generation preparing the next generation to take on this great responsibility of bringing children into the world, teaching them to make good choices, and preparing them for the day when they will also be parents and have a profound influence on someone else's life and the kind of person that child grows up to be. Each generation teaching the next what they need to do to gain salvation and to help others attain that same eternal goal. 

Only, I feel like my generation has forgotten that they have this responsibility. Most of the people I know from high school are putting off marriage and children longer and longer, if they have any plans to go in that direction at all. The focus is all on "me," "my" needs, "my" wants, who cares about the next generation? Marriage is overrated, and kids aren't all that convenient. HELLO! Marriage and kids is what it is ALL about! Forming strong families who can love and support each other through the trials of life and who can grow and learn together how to be better and how to become more like God is what it's all about. That's the purpose of this life. That's where the true, lasting joy comes from. Sure, keeping a marriage together and raising kids is hard. All things that are worth doing are hard. And marriage and children is so worth it! I'm still just barely getting into this stage of my life, but I am already learning so much and becoming better and more like my Savior as I try to be the kind of wife and mother that God wants me to be, knows I can be, with His help. I wouldn't trade my little family for anything, and I'm so grateful that by following God's plan I have the opportunity to keep them forever.

The Transition to Motherhood

I am not one of those people who has always dreamed of growing up to become a successful career woman. It was a sad day when I realized that the whole point of going to school is to get a job. I thought you went to school because learning is fun. That's why I got a master's degree: I didn't want to grow up yet - I just wanted to keep learning. And then I wanted to get married, have kids, and then stay home and raise those kids.

Life didn't quite work out as expected. You see, you have to pay for a master's degree (well, most of us do - Library Science isn't one of those degrees like Chemistry or Psychology where they pay you to go to school). And you can't afford it (at least poor newlywed Angie couldn't), so you have to take out student loans. Then you realize that going into debt for school means you better earn some money with that degree to pay off those loans or all that education was a wasted investment. And that means work, not babies. You think someone would have explained all this to me. If they did, I wasn't listening very well. I had to learn this lesson the hard way (I hate learning things the hard way). 

So, 4 1/2 years later, we have a wiser Angie finally getting around to having her first child at the age of 29 - not the original plan, but we can work with it. At least we got some good work experience at a library in the meantime - the absolute best place to work if you have to have a job.

Getting pregnant took a little longer than expected - we started trying at our third year anniversary and weren't successful until nearly our fourth - but that was probably a blessing, since that put us that much closer to Ted's graduation. The pregnancy itself was pretty much a dream pregnancy; to this day I have heard of many, many pregnancy symptoms but have actually experienced very few myself. I can vouch for the incessant need to pee, the emotional roller coaster, and the back discomfort when you start getting bigger, but that's about it. No morning sickness - what a miracle!

I was very concerned about the labor and delivery part of pregnancy, but that actually went much better than expected as well. I had to be induced and the contractions were not very much fun, but four hours later Sam came into the world, no epidural necessary. I give all the credit to my birth coach, Breckann Foster, and to my awesome body that apparently knows exactly how having a baby is supposed to work and just got it done. Ted didn't even pass out. And we ended up with a healthy 8lbs 9oz baby boy. Successful birth experience #1 - check!

Before having Sam, I was not very concerned about postpartum life. I thought getting the baby here was the hard part, and then everything would be easy breezy after that. Sure, it would take some adjusting, but nothing I couldn't handle. 

Boy was I wrong! Getting the baby here was the easy part (at least when you have the low-key pregnancy and quick labor and delivery that I did)! Caring for a newborn is the hard part. Adjusting to life as a mother is the hard part. 

The first couple weeks with newborn baby Sam were pretty much a nightmare. You don't know what tired is until you've given birth to a baby (quite the athletic event) and then tried to live off of no sleep while your body tries to recover. I've pulled overnighters for school before. I've done half-marathons. Those experiences were nothing compared to this. And the worst part is, it doesn't matter if you know what your body needs to recover or for you to feel better - that doesn't mean you can have it. The baby needs to eat, and if you're breast feeding, you're the only one that can feed that baby. And if he wants to eat every hour for several hours each night, you are the one that has to be awake every single time. And on top of that, breast feeding hurts in the beginning. Let's just say I had a hard time loving this creature that wouldn't let me sleep and was always hurting me.

Aside from the physical pain and exhaustion of life with a newborn, I was also going through a major identity crisis. I used to be this normal person who did all these different things in my life. Suddenly I was this emotionally unstable zombie who had no energy and did nothing all day except feed the baby, try to sleep, feed the baby, eat, feed the baby, try to shower, feed the baby, sleep, feed the baby... Who was I, and why would anyone ever want to hang out with me? Was I going to be tired with no energy forever? Would I ever be a normal human being again? What had I gotten myself into?

For those of you who have yet to experience new motherhood, don't worry - the physical exhaustion and emotional trauma I just described does not last forever. By the end of the second week, breast feeding was way better and I started feeling like less of a victim. About three weeks in, Sam was sleeping way better at night and crying a lot less. By six weeks, Sam and I had established a kind of groove, and the majority of my energy and motivation to do things other than take care of a baby had returned. 

Now that Sam is two months old, life with a baby has become much more like what I originally imagined life with a baby would be like. Taking care of a baby is still a lot of work, but I know how to do it; Sam has adjusted to life outside the womb and only cries when he is hungry, bored, tired, or uncomfortable and stops when his needs are met; Sam and I are both sleeping enough to function; I love Sam, and he knows who I am and smiles at me now; in short, life is much better - different than life without a baby, but manageable. And much better than working full-time. :) 

I will be eternally grateful to those who helped me during those first few weeks of transitioning to life as a mother. For the nurse who offered to take Sam to the nursery that second night in the hospital and gave Ted and I four hours of much-needed sleep. For Sam's two grandmas who sacrificed hours and hours of their time and sleep to take care of a crying baby so that I could sleep. For my sister who made delicious meals for us to eat every night that first week of Sam's life. For my best friend who coached me through Sam's birth and gave me the love and support I needed after. For all the moms I talked to who validated me and the hard experiences I was going through with a newborn. And most of all for my wonderful husband, who loved Sam from the very beginning and was the calm foundation of our family during all the emotional storms and turmoil Sam and I were experiencing. I am truly blessed with many wonderful people in my life that I was able to rely on in my time of need. Thank you all.

Easter Sunday and My Thoughts on the Savior

I finally decided to join the blog world. The inspiration I received on Sunday about the Savior finally made me decide I needed a place to share these kinds of thoughts and inspiration.

Sunday was Easter. Easter is the time when we celebrate the Savior's Atonement and Resurrection. Lately I've been trying to come to know the Savior better and to feel His love more fully in my life. Intellectually, I know Jesus Christ was and is an amazing man. I know that He is the Son of God, and that He loves all of God's children so much that He was willing to suffer and to die to give us all a chance to repent and be forgiven of our sins so we can return to live with our Heavenly Father again. 

I know these things, but often I have a difficult time internalizing this knowledge and feeling the appropriate amount of gratitude and love for my Savior. I know what He did was great and I'm grateful, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around who He is and what He did and to feel all the implications of that deep down in my heart. It's hard to really know and love someone and feel their love in return when you can't spend time with that person, at least for me.

So I've been praying to have a better understanding of my relationship with the Savior and to feel His love more in my life, to be able to really give Him "all [my] heart, might, mind and strength." The talks in church on Sunday were focused on Christ and the Atonement in honor of Easter, and I got some good ideas from those on how to work on building a personal relationship with the Savior. Then, on our drive back to Logan (we were down in Utah County visiting family for Easter weekend), we listened to the song "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe. Here are the lyrics to the first verse and the chorus, in case you don't know it:

I can only imagine 

What it will be like 

When I walk 

By your side 

I can only imagine 

What my eyes will see 

When your face 

Is before me 

I can only imagine 

[Chorus:]

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel 

Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still 

Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall 

Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all 

I can only imagine 

I've always loved this song, but this time as I listened to it, I really started to ponder how I might react when I am in Christ's presence again, how I would want that meeting to go. As I pondered, I suddenly saw this image of myself giving Christ a big hug and saying, "I missed you so much!" 

This image of our reunion gave me a new perspective on my relationship with the Savior. It made me realize that it's very likely that I did have a close, personal relationship with Jesus Christ before this life, that we would have known each other well as members of the same family, God's family, and that we would have talked and spent time together. He loves me because He knows me personally, His younger sister. I already have a close relationship with Him, I just can't remember it right now. He and I are just in the "interruption" stage of our relationship, as President Dieter F. Uchtdorf discussed in his recent General Conference address (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng), but that doesn't make the relationship any less real, and someday when I see Him again I will remember. So, rather than try to build a relationship with someone I can't see, I'm just trying to remember a relationship I already have.

It makes the Savior seem so much more real to me to imagine Him as a dear friend that I am currently parted from but who still loves me and whom I will see again. When I see Him again, I will tell Him how much I missed Him and how grateful I am that He never gave up on me despite my sins and weaknesses, but that He did what was necessary to rescue me and to bring me back home to live with Him and with my Heavenly Father once again. What a glorious day that will be! Happy Easter everyone!