Casting Out the Bitter Fruit

I was reading Jacob chapter 5 during my Book of Mormon study the other day, and the Holy Ghost taught me something new that I had never noticed before when reading that chapter. For those of you who are familiar with the Book of Mormon, Jacob 5 is the very long chapter that gives the allegory of the tame and wild olive trees.

The part of the allegory that I found the most interesting reading through this time starts in verse 64. This is the part where the Lord of the vineyard is going forth to prune his vineyard for the last time, and he says to his servant, “And if it be so that these last grafts shall grow, and bring forth the natural fruit, then shall ye prepare the way for them, that they may grow.” The Lord of the vineyard then goes on in verse 65 to explain to his servant how he should prepare the way for these last grafts to grow and bring forth natural fruit:

“And as they begin to grow ye shall clear away the branches which bring forth bitter fruit, according to the strength of the good and the size thereof; and ye shall not clear away the bad thereof all at once, lest the roots thereof should be too strong for the graft, and the graft thereof shall perish, and I lose the trees of my vineyard...wherefore ye shall clear away the bad according as the good shall grow, that the root and the top may be equal in strength, until the good shall overcome the bad, and the bad be hewn down and cast into the fire, that they cumber not the ground of my vineyard; and thus will I sweep away the bad out of my vineyard” (emphasis added).

I had never noticed these specific instructions from the Lord before, and they helped me understand better the method the Lord is using to establish His kingdom on the earth in our day. He gives us truth line upon line, as we are ready to receive it, strengthening the good before getting rid of more of the bitter fruit that is a product of our society and culture and not in line with His teachings, so as not to kill the tree with more truth and change than it can handle all at once.

Sometimes it is difficult to understand how anything that does not exactly align with God’s view of things could exist in His church. For example, why did it take so long for revelation to come about black people being able to hold the priesthood? According to the words of the allegory, the Lord and His servants in the vineyard had to strengthen the good enough before they could pluck off and cast away the branches containing that bitter fruit, or they risked losing the whole tree. Other examples could be given as well.

I think in many ways the Lord is much more patient with the process of carefully pruning, digging about, and nurturing His vineyard than we are. He is also much more patient with each of us individually than we tend to be, either with ourselves or with each other. Thank goodness this is true. It is this infinite love and patience we must learn if we are to participate with the Lord in His work of salvation, that we may be inspired to say, like the servant in the allegory, “Spare it a little longer.” Give this person another chance. Give the Lord’s church and the people in it more time to learn and grow and align their thoughts and actions with the Lord. Don't give up too soon and throw the good away with the bad. Strengthen the good, until all the bad can little by little be plucked out and cast away, leaving only the natural fruit that the Lord is seeking to preserve.

I can't wait until we reach the part of the allegory in verse 74 that says, “the bad had been cast away out of the vineyard, and the Lord had preserved unto himself that the trees had become again the natural fruit; and they became like unto one body; and the fruits were equal.” What a glorious day that will be when all the bitter fruit and false ideas have been plucked out of the Lord’s vineyard and we are all equal and like unto one body before the Lord, full of love and unity and perfect understanding of the Lord and His truths. May we each labor diligently in His vineyard to bring about that glorious day. I share these thoughts in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

The Work of Salvation

I had an epiphany recently while reading through one of the LDS Church Relief Society lessons, and I thought I would share it. The lesson was titled “Daughters of God” (Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Gordon B. Hinckley, Chapter 5), and as I read it, I had a thought that made me think about my role as a daughter of God, and particularly my role as a mother, in a new way.

If you think about it, the most important task on this earth is teaching people to become like God. That critical task begins in the home. The whole point of designating one spouse to be the primary breadwinner in the home is to free up the other spouse to devote their time and attention to this most important task of caring for and teaching the next generation of God’s children during their young, vulnerable years. There are many opportunities to teach adults as well, but adults begin as babies and children, and the more they learn when they are young and the stronger the foundation they have, the further they can progress when they reach adulthood.

In society we act like it’s the men (or women) with careers doing the most important work in the world, but the main point of their work is to provide the necessities of life to themselves and their families so that the essential work of salvation can take place in the home without the distraction of unmet physical needs. Worldly success such as wealth and fame and status is important to the world, but not to God. His main concern is the salvation of His children, and He has given His daughters one of the most, if not the most, critical roles to play in that plan. Why do men have the responsibility to hold priesthood offices and leadership positions in the church? Probably to free up women to put their whole focus on the nurture of their family, rather than splitting their focus between their personal family and the ward/congregation. One partner does the majority of dividing their time between their family and other necessary responsibilities, while the other keeps their main focus on their family so that raising children--a monumental and essential task--gets the care and focus it deserves. It's not that women wouldn't be good at the responsibilities men have; it’s that they're doing something else incredibly important, a responsibility that God has reserved just for them, to be their focus, because it IS so important. We often belittle the responsibilities women have been given, like they are narrow and not that important, but they are actually participating in the work of salvation full-time, on a daily basis. If that's not a sign that God thinks they are fit for the most important work He has for His children to do, I don't know what is.

God isn't saying to His daughters, this is the only thing I think you're capable of; He’s saying, this is a job that is so important and so demanding that I want you to devote 100% of your time and attention to it. I don't want anything else distracting you from this most important job. I will give all the other responsibilities to someone else, so I can reserve your strength and energy and talents for this most important work. He’s not saying, I don't think you're capable of multitasking; He’s saying, I don't want you to have to multitask. I want to ease all other burdens for you because I know this is such a great one that I have placed upon you, and it is of upmost importance to me that you have the time and energy you need to do it well and give your whole heart to it.

I love getting new perspectives on life :)

When Impossible Things Become Possible

“...for with God all things are possible” (Mark 10:27)

It's amazing the difference one single choice can make in your life. I also love how good God is at preparing you to make choices that will allow Him to bless you.

I never intended to be a military spouse. I was actually adamantly against it. When we were dating, I told Ted that wasn't an option. I would NOT be married to someone in the military. I hated the idea of the government being in control of my life: where I lived, when I got to see my husband, etc.

Ted, on the other hand, has always wanted to join the military. He nearly joined multiple times before I met him. He was actually training to join the Marines when he broke his hand in a bike accident and, as a result, decided to go teach English in Russia, which is where he met me.

Both of us, over the years since we got married, just assumed the other person would change their mind on the subject. Ted assumed I would decide the military wasn't so bad after all and let him join eventually, and I assumed he would see that the military wasn't a good fit for our family and give up his dream of joining. From time to time the topic of the military would come up, and we would both discover in surprise that the other person continued to feel the same way about the issue as they had before: Ted was still interested in joining, and I was still against it.

When after several of these conversations I realized that even with the passing years Ted’s desire to join the military had not diminished, I reluctantly agreed to let him apply for an officer position in the Navy as part of his job hunting activities. I was hugely relieved when he was offered and accepted a civilian job before completing the Navy officer application process. I figured that would be the end of Ted’s pursuit of the military as a career.

Then Ted’s brother began talking with a recruiter about joining the Army National Guard. In my mind, it made way more sense for Ted’s brother to pursue this course than Ted, because Ted’s brother was still in school and could get some free training and experience and additional schooling paid for by joining, whereas Ted already had his degree and a good job in his field--what did he have to gain? Besides, I had always thought the National Guard sounded like the worst possible option: why would you give the government control over your life when they aren't even providing you with a full-time job to pay the bills?

Then at a family party I was part of a conversation with Ted’s brother that God used to shift my perspective on what joining the National Guard could mean for Ted and our family. We’d had a lot of financial difficulty since I quit my job to stay home after the birth of our first child, especially that first year after Ted graduated. We were making more money now with this second job, but digging ourselves out of the debt we’d gotten into that first year after having a baby seemed an impossible task. I didn't regret choosing to stay home with my child, but I didn't know how we were going to improve the financial situation that choice had put us in.

While talking with Ted’s brother, I suddenly saw joining the National Guard as an opportunity for Ted to get a second part-time job to supplement our income that he would actually like and be excited about and that wouldn't conflict with his full-time job (except in the case of deployments, which his full-time job was required by law to be okay with and not punish him for). Of the two sacrifices, I realized that I was way more willing to have Ted get a second job and increase our income that way than I was to get a job myself and put my children in daycare. And if Ted was going to get a second job, the National Guard was the obvious choice, since it would be something that he would feel added meaning and fulfillment to his life, not just increased the burden of providing for his family.

Suddenly I found myself being the one suggesting that Ted look into joining the military (more specifically, the Air National Guard). This was so out of character for me, I knew it was God who was inspiring me to suggest this course of action. During the time that we were pondering this option for our lives, Ted and I were able to visit the temple. During that temple session I felt like God went through and addressed each of my biggest concerns about taking this step. I knew He was encouraging me to go forward with this choice and to trust Him to take care of me and my family.

Ted joined the Utah Air National Guard last April, and that choice has made so many blessings and miracles possible for us. Getting out of debt now seems like a real possibility rather than the impossibility it seemed to be before, and it's all a result of this one choice God guided us to make. It took many years of preparation, especially emotional preparation, for me to be ready to make that choice and to handle it well, and God was kind enough and knew me well enough to take the time to prepare me to make that choice so that I could receive the blessings He wanted to give me. I am so grateful for His wisdom and His desire to bless us with what we need when we seek to do good and to follow His will in our lives. I love how much more perfect His plan always is than my own.

My Identity as a Mother

I was having a conversation with someone about how many children we were planning to have. The person I was having the conversation with has two children and feels like that is the right number for their family. This made me think about what it would be like to be done having children at this point, with only Sam and Grace. Thinking about this made me realize that I am definitely, 100%, NOT ready to be done having children.

Ted and I were already planning on having more children, but I didn't realize how strongly I felt about it until this experience. I just got used to my identity as a mother of small children, and I am not ready to give it up yet. I can't imagine just having these two kids that just keep getting older so fast, forcing me to reinvent myself again way sooner than I am ready for. I don't want them to grow up and become all independent and have to go back and get a job again! No thanks!

I complain a lot about the challenges of being a stay-at-home mom, but there are a lot of things I really love about it as well, and I realized I have become pretty attached to this stage of life. So, even though there are drawbacks to starting over again and again each time a new baby comes along and losing the newfound freedom you’ve gained as your children get older and become a little more independent, I am not ready to give up my critical role as a mother of infants and small children. Having more kids is definitely the right choice for me at this stage of my life, and it's comforting to know that, even as I wonder how on earth I will manage to care for a third child on top of the two I already have. People do it though, so it must be possible. And I now know that that is definitely the life I want for myself, despite the challenges it will bring. So I will go forward with faith, trusting that the Lord will give me the strength and wisdom I need to succeed.

Life Philosophies

There's a conversation Ted and I have had several times throughout our marriage. It's a discussion about the Rudy philosophy versus the It's a Wonderful Life philosophy. In the movie Rudy, Sean Astin’s character sacrifices everything to follow his dreams, while in the movie It's a Wonderful Life, Jimmy Stewart’s character sacrifices his dreams to fulfill family and community obligations. Which is the correct philosophy? Which is the worthier objective? Which is the more worthwhile sacrifice?

I realized that neither of these philosophies is a 100% correct philosophy for everyone all the time. Following your dreams at all costs can lead you to act selfishly and damage your relationships with others. Sacrificing too much of your own needs and desires to meet the desires and expectations of others can be unhealthy and can create unhealthy relationships.

The only philosophy that is true for everyone 100% of the time is the one contained in the following Bible verses: “And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength, this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these” (Mark 12:30-31).

The only thing thing or person you're supposed to be willing to sacrifice everything for, all your heart, soul, mind and strength, is God. Not your dreams, not a cause, not your talents or career, not another person, not a material possession--only God. That’s the answer.

You may be asking, why is God the only one worthy of such a sacrifice? Because He is the only one who has already sacrificed everything for you. Jesus Christ paid the ultimate price of the atonement, took the pains, sicknesses, and sins of every single one of God’s children on Himself, which gave Him, and only Him, the power to save each of us and ensure our ultimate, eternal peace and happiness. He is the only one who knows the correct path for each of us to take in our life, what dreams, causes, relationships, and talents to pursue, to help us learn what we need to learn to reach our full potential, do the most good in this mortal life, and prepare for salvation in the next.

Sometimes we have the philosophy, my life will be complete when…(insert mortal experience that we think we have to have in order to be happy: marriage, children, career objective, material possession, etc.). This kind of philosophy can be a dangerous one. To think that your happiness requires some specific mortal experience or possession or achievement is foolish. Either you won't get it and you will think that you can't possibly be happy without it (and you can't be as long as your focus is all on that one thing--marriage, career, etc.), or you’ll get it and realize it has not brought you all the happiness you will ever need, and you’ll either keep trying to make it do that when it doesn't have the power to, or you’ll lose direction and meaning in your life (ex: Olympic athletes who win the gold and then don't know what to do with themselves after achieving that dream).

God’s plans and dreams for us, on the other hand, are with our eternal progress in mind, and each step we take on the path He has laid out for us brings us a step closer to an eternity of joy and increase. No experience we have here is a waste or a failure; every experience can teach us something that can draw us closer to God and help us become more like Him, which is our ultimate goal, and one we can never fully achieve in this life or without the Savior’s help. The more we choose to seek out and follow God’s plan for us, even, and perhaps especially, when it requires sacrifice, the more we will learn, and the more peace, joy, and love we will feel. God wants His children to be happy, and only by sacrificing our all to Him will we find the true, lasting happiness we are seeking, accomplish the things that are most important for us to accomplish, and become the people we have the potential to be.

Food Philosophies

I had a discussion with my mother-in-law about food the other day, and I realized that her philosophy on food and feeding your family is totally different than the food philosophy I grew up with in my family. My mother-in-law had eight children, and she did an excellent job of consistently providing healthy, balanced meals for her family to eat. One of her big things was making sure everyone had a filling, nutritious, hot breakfast to eat every school morning so that they would be in the best physical state to be able to learn and excel at school. As she was describing to me her process of planning and preparing meals for the month or the week, I realized that her main concern in planning meals for her family was nutrition. She took little to no thought about whether or not her family would like the foods she had decided to prepare. 

That's totally different than the way food planning worked in my house growing up. When I try to plan food, I feel an enormous amount of pressure to make food that people will actually like to eat, myself included. Nutrition was a secondary concern in my family. The main concern was whether or not people liked the food that was prepared. My mother-in-law claimed she didn't really have any picky eaters in her family. I, on the other hand, come from a family of picky eaters. I'm sure many of you reading this would say that this is the fault of my parents and their parenting. And you could be right. I don't really know. All I know is that in my family it was considered inconsiderate and unkind to offer hungry people food they could not eat because they did not like it. You may as well not have made food at all for all the good it did them. 

As a child, my mom was forced to sit at the table until she’d eaten whatever food was prepared, whether she liked it or not. This was such an unpleasant experience for her that she was fiercely determined never to do that to her children. Looking back, I'm pretty sure food was a big comfort thing for my mom, one of her coping mechanisms for dealing with other difficult or unpleasant things in her life. In my family, my dad was the one with the responsibility for making dinner. That's just the way things worked out in the division of responsibilities based on my parents’ individual strengths, weaknesses, and preferences. The reason I think food was a comfort thing for my mom is because if my dad made dinner and tweaked the recipe in a way that made it taste different or made something new that my mom didn't like, it wasn't just an inconvenience for her, it was a tragedy. How dare my dad ruin the meal that way. 

I see a little bit of that food as a comfort thing in myself as well. On my mission, for example, I had a companion who would get so caught up in missionary work that she would sometimes forget to plan in time for us to eat lunch. I had to let her know that I could not function without eating all my meals, partly because I get really cranky if I don't eat regularly, but also because I was doing so many things that were hard for me as a missionary, I really needed to be able to rely on the comforting safety of good food at regular intervals to help me stay sane and cope with the hard things. 

I'm not sure what the moral of the story is with all this. I'm not saying that one food philosophy is better or worse than the other--for now, I am just noticing the differences. I feel like that is the first step in making a deliberate choice about what your own philosophy will be--realizing that there are different ways to think about something and that you can choose how you think about it. Do I have any responsibility to take the food preferences of my family members into account when making food, or is the nutritiousness of the meal I offer the only important consideration? What do I want to teach my children about food and its purpose? How do I want to teach that? What is an appropriate way to react to encountering food you don't like? How should I best teach and model that for my children? These are all questions I must answer as I figure out what my own food philosophy will be.

On Being Female

With all the discussions on gender these days, I’ve been pondering the differences between male and female. I feel like the feminist argument is that the only difference between males and females is the difference in sexual reproduction equipment. All other differences are social constructs that should not be imposed on people. Besides in the category of body parts, males and females are exactly the same and should be treated exactly the same. 

On the other hand, you have the transgender dialogue which says that there is something besides your sexual reproductive organs that makes you male or female. This seems to run counter to the feminist argument. According to feminism, there is nothing abnormal about being a girl who likes trucks or a boy who likes dolls, for example; it’s just society pushing girls in one direction and boys in another, not anything innately different in the nature of boys and girls. The transgender argument, however, seems to say that if you identify with things that society says are more traditionally things associated with members of the opposite gender, like if you are a boy that enjoys dressing up and wearing makeup, for example, then you are not just a boy that likes things society says that only girls should like, but instead you may be a female trapped in the physical body of a male, suggesting that there are internal differences of some sort between males and females, not just outward physical differences. Somehow it seems that the same people subscribe to both these arguments, even though they seem to contradict one another.

One thing I’ve found interesting about the personal stories of transgender individuals that I’ve read (these stories are of individuals who were born with male body parts but who feel that they may really be female) is the level of importance they place on their desire to dress up and look pretty. In their stories, that desire seems to be emphasized as a core part of their transgender identity, or their identity as female rather than male.

What I find interesting about this is that I am a female, but I do not consider dressing up and looking pretty as a core part of my identity. It's something I do occasionally because society expects it of me, but it is not something I enjoy doing or that I feel is an important part of my identity. I don't feel like that makes me any less female though. It makes me less stereotypical female, but not less core identity female. I think there are women for whom dressing up and looking pretty is a core part of their female identity, but I am not one of them. (I have a suspicion that this may be influenced by whether or not dressing up and looking pretty is a core part of your mother’s female identity, meaning that it is something learned, not something innate, but I don't know for sure.)

This begs the question, if we lived in a time and place and class of society in which dressing up in fancy clothes and wigs was acceptable for men, would these transgender individuals feel more comfortable in their male identity? Or is their focus on dressing up in female clothes and wearing makeup merely an outward manifestation of other inward gender differences that are simply more difficult to express and less noticeable/unacceptable to other members of society? What does it really mean to be male or to be female, outside of stereotypes that society tells us we should expect from each gender? That is the million dollar question, I guess. And I don't have an answer. Just musings. 

If my personal female identity is not defined by female stereotypes such as liking shoes, purses, jewelry, makeup, clothing, shopping, scented candles and lotion, facials, interior decorating, and arts and crafts, what is it defined by? Having breasts and a vagina? That does seem to be a significant part of it. The fact that because of the body I was born with my responsibilities include pregnancy and breastfeeding? That also seems to be a pretty significant part of my identity as a female. Attached to that, a sense of the importance of my responsibility to teach and nurture my children? That is definitely a huge part of my current female identity. The fact that in order to sexually reproduce I must marry a man? That was actually a somewhat troubling fact for me in my youth since I was not especially impressed with the male population I observed around me; luckily, I found a Ted :) 

I feel like most of my personal identity as a female is tied to the way my body functions and the unique responsibilities I have because of that. Perhaps also my female friendships and the common struggles we have to deal with our emotions, form meaningful relationships, find someone to marry, have and raise children, and find meaning in our lives. Gender identity seems so straightforward when you are not someone who struggles with gender dysphoria, which I think is why it is such a difficult struggle to understand for those who don't experience it. I am female because my body is female. I don't have to do anything to qualify for the female group except have the body I was born with, which lends itself to certain strictly female activities, such as menstruation, childbearing and breastfeeding. I have these things in common with other females, either the reality of them, the memory of them, the hope of them in the future, or the grief for the lack of them. These are the things that form in large part my female identity. I'm not sure what it means to be female outside of those physical aspects and all that comes with them, unless we're talking about some of the more superficial stereotypes, most of which don't apply to me. Those are some of my musings on being female.