Successful Change

Successful change requires more than getting rid of bad habits. In order for change to be successful, you have to replace your bad habits with different, more healthy habits.

When I was trying to get away from focusing my life on other people and living for them instead of living my own life, one of the hardest things to do was to figure out how to change my thought processes--what to replace my unhealthy thought patterns with. You do a lot of thinking over the course of a day--what was I supposed to think about instead of dwelling so much on my relationships? It took a lot of prayer and pondering and reading through my patriarchal blessing to find new things to focus on in my life that seemed meaningful.

As a parent, I find that I have much more success influencing my child’s behavior if instead of just telling him he can't do something, I tell him something he can do to replace the negative behavior. For example, if he's using a toy in a way that could damage something (like hitting the wall with it), I tell him other ways he can use the toy instead that would be more appropriate (such as hitting the couch or the bed). Or, instead of hitting his sister when she tries to take a toy he is using, I encourage him to say, “Gracie, please don't take my toy,” and then to pick up his toy and move away from her. Or, instead of hitting me when I explain that we have to leave a place and he wants to stay, using his words to express his feelings instead: “I am feeling upset that we have to leave.” This is still a work in progress (he usually hits me and then uses his words to tell me how he is feeling afterwards), but there are moments when I hear him tell a friend he is playing with that something they're doing is making him sad, or when he is trying to do something and says, “This is so frustrating” instead of screaming, that give me hope that the more I reinforce these healthier methods of handling difficult situations the more he will be able to replace his negative behaviors with more productive ones.

I recently discovered a habit I’ve formed that I think may not be serving me very well, but I haven't figured out what to replace it with yet. I’ve noticed that when I’m in a social situation and I feel anxious or threatened in some way, the coping method I usually use is to withdraw. I don't like competing for attention and will withdraw rather than asserting myself. Thinking back on past experiences when I have done this, I don't think it’s a habit that serves me very well. When I choose to withdraw, I put the full burden of me being involved in the social situation on others and feel insecure if they do not go out of their way to involve me, instead of taking responsibility for my own involvement or lack thereof. I also start interpreting the situation in my mind in ways that add to my feelings of insecurity: “I'm not involved because people don't care about me that much,” or “I’m not involved because I am lacking in some way.”

I’m wondering what healthier strategy I can use to replace my withdrawing strategy. Maybe I just need to dig down to what is triggering the initial feelings of anxiety--what exactly is making me feel threatened--so I can analyze if it's necessary for me to feel threatened. Usually being able to put what is triggering my emotions into words helps me take control of those emotions and debunk any false beliefs that may be lurking in my subconscious.

Honestly, the first step is probably just being able to recognize in the moment that I’m feeling threatened and to be cognizant of my normal reaction to that feeling so that I have the opportunity to consciously make a choice about how I want to react, rather than just letting my subconscious habits take over.

I think that is a worthy first goal for changing this habit: notice when I am tempted to withdraw, analyze the situation, and at least give myself the opportunity to choose to act in a different way instead. That will be my plan for now. I don't know yet what different choice I will make, but I will at least give myself an opportunity to make a different choice. Baby steps ;)

The Roots of My Dysfunction

I feel like you see the symptoms of your dysfunctions long before you are able to dig down to the real roots of those dysfunctions to weed them out. That's been my own personal experience anyway.

I’ve known for years that something was not right about the way I experienced certain relationships in my life--mostly my emotional responses to them, I guess--but I couldn't put my finger on what my dysfunction was. I could see the symptoms of it--the constant need for reassurance of love from the other person, the desperate desire to be with them every possible second of every day, the insecurity triggered by them having other people and experiences in their life that didn't involve me, etc., etc. I likened my feelings about these relationships to addiction on multiple occasions and knew this could not be a good sign. But I didn't know what I was doing wrong, and I didn't know how to change. I don't think I even knew I was supposed to change or that change was possible.

I knew my emotional experience was not “normal” or socially acceptable--I knew the word “needy” had very negative connotations and that needy people were generally spoken of with exasperation and contempt--so I tried to act normal and keep most of my crazy hidden inside. I tried to explain my feelings to myself in ways that put a positive spin on my experience rather than making me sound incredibly creepy and dysfunctional. After all, none of us likes feeling dysfunctional. I just loved people more intensely than your average person. That's not a bad thing, right? How can you love someone too much?

As long as I called the emotions I was experiencing “love” it was difficult to figure out where I was going wrong, since it's hard to argue that loving someone is a bad thing. But somewhere along the line my definition of love had gotten all tangled up with need and insecurity and control, and all those separate pieces had to be unraveled before I could clearly see what was love and what was dysfunction.

This work of recognizing my weaknesses, unraveling all the pieces, and reworking my definition of love began two years into a relationship with a close friend. When my friend was finally brave enough to communicate her feelings more honestly and set boundaries with me, I finally came face to face with the reality of how my weaknesses were affecting our relationship and how and why I needed to change.

Tracing my dysfunctional behaviors back to their roots was a long, slow, painful process. I was already so deep into the relationship and behaviors that I had to work backwards to figure out where they were coming from and what I needed to do differently. I was able to uncover some of the roots of my dysfunction, but some remained a mystery to me. I could clearly see the behaviors and emotions that were unproductive and work on changing those, but I wasn't sure what motivated me to begin them--why certain relationships triggered these behaviors and emotions for me and others did not.

Recently I made a new friend. As the friendship progressed, I started feeling the crazy coming on. None of my relationships had triggered it since the friendship that I had worked through a lot of my issues with. This time I was prepared to meet the crazy head on though. I was able to say, “Hello, old friend. Let's figure out who you are. If I can name you, you will have less power over me and I will be able to see clearly to unravel you before you start tangling me in your web of dysfunction.” And, after a lot of pondering on what may be triggering the crazy in this new relationship, I think I may have finally uncovered a couple more of the deep roots of my dysfunction.

Here is my hypothesis (and I reserve the right to modify it in the future, as needed, as future experiences make additional truths more clear to me): I think that when I am in a relationship with someone that I really like, but I don't feel like I am in a position of power in the relationship (for example, if I sense that the relationship may be more significant to me than it is to the other person), then as my love for that person grows, my fear of loss or rejection grows as well, in equal proportion. I think all of my dysfunctional behaviors are born out of this fear and the habits I’ve formed to try to cope with it.

When I start loving someone a lot, but I feel unsure if I’ll be able to keep them, and the more I love them the scarier not being able to keep them gets, I start feeling a panicked need to control the relationship somehow to make me feel safer in it. Basically, I start trying to control the other person and their feelings towards me in various ways to make sure they keep loving me and can't live without me. This leads to serving with strings attached (offering tons of self-sacrificing service in exchange for love and security in the relationship instead of setting reasonable boundaries for myself and letting the other person set their own reasonable boundaries), lots of over-the-top proclamations of praise and love for the other person, insecurity about all aspects of the other person’s life that don't involve me and are therefore out of my control, the need for constant reassurance of love from the other person to ensure that my strategy of controlling how they feel about me is succeeding, and a disproportionate sense of responsibility for the success or failure of the relationship overall since I am trying to control both sides of it instead of making my own choices and letting the other person make theirs, independent of me.

Recognizing where the feelings of panic and desperation that trigger my dysfunctional behaviors come from helps a lot in learning to manage those emotions in healthier ways. Since I already know from all my work in my other friendship that any control I think I have over the relationship is a complete illusion and that the strategies I use to try to control the relationship not only hurt the relationship but also make me feel more insecure rather than safer in the relationship (the complete opposite of what I’m trying to accomplish), it's pretty easy to conclude that trying to manage my fear by trying to control the relationship is a losing strategy on all sides and will not help me achieve a single one of my relationship goals. Having a personal testimony of that makes it a lot easier to choose to let go of the need for control, now that I know that's what I’m feeling, and relax and leave the other person free to make their own choices and be responsible for their own half of the relationship.

Realizing that I have no power to control the relationship or anyone else’s feelings about me is scary in some ways, but also very relieving in other ways. I don't have to hustle for my worthiness (that's a Brene Brown quote) because it won't do me any good anyway. Other people get to choose how they feel about me no matter what I do or don't do, so I may as well just be me and relieve myself of the burden of trying to take responsibility for others’ feelings about me. I can't be perfect, and even Jesus Christ, the only perfect person, was hated by a ton of people, hated so violently, in fact, that they put Him to death over it. Sheesh! You're never going to win the control how other people feel about you game, so it's just better not to try to play it.

So here's my goal, my new strategy going forward:

1) Accept that loving someone is a scary thing, and that's okay;

2) Respect and love other people enough to let them make the choices that are best for them rather than trying to control their feelings and choices to try to protect myself from loss and rejection; and

3) Self-validate rather than trying to use other people to validate me and my worthiness

Thanks for reading! Good luck to you all in uncovering the roots of your own dysfunctions ;)

Casting Out the Bitter Fruit

I was reading Jacob chapter 5 during my Book of Mormon study the other day, and the Holy Ghost taught me something new that I had never noticed before when reading that chapter. For those of you who are familiar with the Book of Mormon, Jacob 5 is the very long chapter that gives the allegory of the tame and wild olive trees.

The part of the allegory that I found the most interesting reading through this time starts in verse 64. This is the part where the Lord of the vineyard is going forth to prune his vineyard for the last time, and he says to his servant, “And if it be so that these last grafts shall grow, and bring forth the natural fruit, then shall ye prepare the way for them, that they may grow.” The Lord of the vineyard then goes on in verse 65 to explain to his servant how he should prepare the way for these last grafts to grow and bring forth natural fruit:

“And as they begin to grow ye shall clear away the branches which bring forth bitter fruit, according to the strength of the good and the size thereof; and ye shall not clear away the bad thereof all at once, lest the roots thereof should be too strong for the graft, and the graft thereof shall perish, and I lose the trees of my vineyard...wherefore ye shall clear away the bad according as the good shall grow, that the root and the top may be equal in strength, until the good shall overcome the bad, and the bad be hewn down and cast into the fire, that they cumber not the ground of my vineyard; and thus will I sweep away the bad out of my vineyard” (emphasis added).

I had never noticed these specific instructions from the Lord before, and they helped me understand better the method the Lord is using to establish His kingdom on the earth in our day. He gives us truth line upon line, as we are ready to receive it, strengthening the good before getting rid of more of the bitter fruit that is a product of our society and culture and not in line with His teachings, so as not to kill the tree with more truth and change than it can handle all at once.

Sometimes it is difficult to understand how anything that does not exactly align with God’s view of things could exist in His church. For example, why did it take so long for revelation to come about black people being able to hold the priesthood? According to the words of the allegory, the Lord and His servants in the vineyard had to strengthen the good enough before they could pluck off and cast away the branches containing that bitter fruit, or they risked losing the whole tree. Other examples could be given as well.

I think in many ways the Lord is much more patient with the process of carefully pruning, digging about, and nurturing His vineyard than we are. He is also much more patient with each of us individually than we tend to be, either with ourselves or with each other. Thank goodness this is true. It is this infinite love and patience we must learn if we are to participate with the Lord in His work of salvation, that we may be inspired to say, like the servant in the allegory, “Spare it a little longer.” Give this person another chance. Give the Lord’s church and the people in it more time to learn and grow and align their thoughts and actions with the Lord. Don't give up too soon and throw the good away with the bad. Strengthen the good, until all the bad can little by little be plucked out and cast away, leaving only the natural fruit that the Lord is seeking to preserve.

I can't wait until we reach the part of the allegory in verse 74 that says, “the bad had been cast away out of the vineyard, and the Lord had preserved unto himself that the trees had become again the natural fruit; and they became like unto one body; and the fruits were equal.” What a glorious day that will be when all the bitter fruit and false ideas have been plucked out of the Lord’s vineyard and we are all equal and like unto one body before the Lord, full of love and unity and perfect understanding of the Lord and His truths. May we each labor diligently in His vineyard to bring about that glorious day. I share these thoughts in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

The Work of Salvation

I had an epiphany recently while reading through one of the LDS Church Relief Society lessons, and I thought I would share it. The lesson was titled “Daughters of God” (Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Gordon B. Hinckley, Chapter 5), and as I read it, I had a thought that made me think about my role as a daughter of God, and particularly my role as a mother, in a new way.

If you think about it, the most important task on this earth is teaching people to become like God. That critical task begins in the home. The whole point of designating one spouse to be the primary breadwinner in the home is to free up the other spouse to devote their time and attention to this most important task of caring for and teaching the next generation of God’s children during their young, vulnerable years. There are many opportunities to teach adults as well, but adults begin as babies and children, and the more they learn when they are young and the stronger the foundation they have, the further they can progress when they reach adulthood.

In society we act like it’s the men (or women) with careers doing the most important work in the world, but the main point of their work is to provide the necessities of life to themselves and their families so that the essential work of salvation can take place in the home without the distraction of unmet physical needs. Worldly success such as wealth and fame and status is important to the world, but not to God. His main concern is the salvation of His children, and He has given His daughters one of the most, if not the most, critical roles to play in that plan. Why do men have the responsibility to hold priesthood offices and leadership positions in the church? Probably to free up women to put their whole focus on the nurture of their family, rather than splitting their focus between their personal family and the ward/congregation. One partner does the majority of dividing their time between their family and other necessary responsibilities, while the other keeps their main focus on their family so that raising children--a monumental and essential task--gets the care and focus it deserves. It's not that women wouldn't be good at the responsibilities men have; it’s that they're doing something else incredibly important, a responsibility that God has reserved just for them, to be their focus, because it IS so important. We often belittle the responsibilities women have been given, like they are narrow and not that important, but they are actually participating in the work of salvation full-time, on a daily basis. If that's not a sign that God thinks they are fit for the most important work He has for His children to do, I don't know what is.

God isn't saying to His daughters, this is the only thing I think you're capable of; He’s saying, this is a job that is so important and so demanding that I want you to devote 100% of your time and attention to it. I don't want anything else distracting you from this most important job. I will give all the other responsibilities to someone else, so I can reserve your strength and energy and talents for this most important work. He’s not saying, I don't think you're capable of multitasking; He’s saying, I don't want you to have to multitask. I want to ease all other burdens for you because I know this is such a great one that I have placed upon you, and it is of upmost importance to me that you have the time and energy you need to do it well and give your whole heart to it.

I love getting new perspectives on life :)

When Impossible Things Become Possible

“...for with God all things are possible” (Mark 10:27)

It's amazing the difference one single choice can make in your life. I also love how good God is at preparing you to make choices that will allow Him to bless you.

I never intended to be a military spouse. I was actually adamantly against it. When we were dating, I told Ted that wasn't an option. I would NOT be married to someone in the military. I hated the idea of the government being in control of my life: where I lived, when I got to see my husband, etc.

Ted, on the other hand, has always wanted to join the military. He nearly joined multiple times before I met him. He was actually training to join the Marines when he broke his hand in a bike accident and, as a result, decided to go teach English in Russia, which is where he met me.

Both of us, over the years since we got married, just assumed the other person would change their mind on the subject. Ted assumed I would decide the military wasn't so bad after all and let him join eventually, and I assumed he would see that the military wasn't a good fit for our family and give up his dream of joining. From time to time the topic of the military would come up, and we would both discover in surprise that the other person continued to feel the same way about the issue as they had before: Ted was still interested in joining, and I was still against it.

When after several of these conversations I realized that even with the passing years Ted’s desire to join the military had not diminished, I reluctantly agreed to let him apply for an officer position in the Navy as part of his job hunting activities. I was hugely relieved when he was offered and accepted a civilian job before completing the Navy officer application process. I figured that would be the end of Ted’s pursuit of the military as a career.

Then Ted’s brother began talking with a recruiter about joining the Army National Guard. In my mind, it made way more sense for Ted’s brother to pursue this course than Ted, because Ted’s brother was still in school and could get some free training and experience and additional schooling paid for by joining, whereas Ted already had his degree and a good job in his field--what did he have to gain? Besides, I had always thought the National Guard sounded like the worst possible option: why would you give the government control over your life when they aren't even providing you with a full-time job to pay the bills?

Then at a family party I was part of a conversation with Ted’s brother that God used to shift my perspective on what joining the National Guard could mean for Ted and our family. We’d had a lot of financial difficulty since I quit my job to stay home after the birth of our first child, especially that first year after Ted graduated. We were making more money now with this second job, but digging ourselves out of the debt we’d gotten into that first year after having a baby seemed an impossible task. I didn't regret choosing to stay home with my child, but I didn't know how we were going to improve the financial situation that choice had put us in.

While talking with Ted’s brother, I suddenly saw joining the National Guard as an opportunity for Ted to get a second part-time job to supplement our income that he would actually like and be excited about and that wouldn't conflict with his full-time job (except in the case of deployments, which his full-time job was required by law to be okay with and not punish him for). Of the two sacrifices, I realized that I was way more willing to have Ted get a second job and increase our income that way than I was to get a job myself and put my children in daycare. And if Ted was going to get a second job, the National Guard was the obvious choice, since it would be something that he would feel added meaning and fulfillment to his life, not just increased the burden of providing for his family.

Suddenly I found myself being the one suggesting that Ted look into joining the military (more specifically, the Air National Guard). This was so out of character for me, I knew it was God who was inspiring me to suggest this course of action. During the time that we were pondering this option for our lives, Ted and I were able to visit the temple. During that temple session I felt like God went through and addressed each of my biggest concerns about taking this step. I knew He was encouraging me to go forward with this choice and to trust Him to take care of me and my family.

Ted joined the Utah Air National Guard last April, and that choice has made so many blessings and miracles possible for us. Getting out of debt now seems like a real possibility rather than the impossibility it seemed to be before, and it's all a result of this one choice God guided us to make. It took many years of preparation, especially emotional preparation, for me to be ready to make that choice and to handle it well, and God was kind enough and knew me well enough to take the time to prepare me to make that choice so that I could receive the blessings He wanted to give me. I am so grateful for His wisdom and His desire to bless us with what we need when we seek to do good and to follow His will in our lives. I love how much more perfect His plan always is than my own.