On Marriage and Parenthood

Because we met as fellow teachers in a "no dating allowed" volunteer English teaching program in Moscow, Russia, Ted and I got to know each other very well as friends before we ever considered having a dating relationship. Long before I knew I was romantically interested in him, I knew Ted was the kind of person that would be an amazing husband and father and a very safe person to marry. He was humble, honest, dependable, service-oriented, and cared a lot about people. Once I decided I was romantically interested in him (he had to decide first - my personal credo was don't bother liking a boy until you know he likes you - it saves you a lot of heartache and wasted time that way), I never had to think twice about whether or not I wanted to marry him. I already knew the kind of person he was, and I knew it was the kind of person who would never stop loving and caring for me and my children. So, I married him, and he's been proving me right ever since.

I'm pretty sure I was born to be married; marriage is pretty much the best thing ever, as far as I'm concerned. It helps if you're married to someone as awesome as Ted. We never really went through a difficult transition stage: marriage was just better, better than being single, better than dating, better than being engaged. We've definitely faced challenges as a married couple, most notably financial challenges, but we get to face them together and learn from and about each other in the process. Marriage teaches us about our individual weaknesses and how they affect others and helps push us to do better, to be better, to become more selfless. Marriage is someone knowing you and all your weaknesses and loving you anyway, because they can also see all your strengths and your potential. Marriage is just awesome.

Before we had our son Sam, I'd read that bringing a child into the mix can put a strain on a couple's relationship. I wanted to make sure that Ted and I could keep our marriage strong as we added children to our family. It turns out I needn't have worried. So far, becoming parents has only brought us closer together. Ted says that he loves me even more now that I'm a mother, and I've found a million more reasons to love and appreciate Ted as I've seen him care for and interact with our son in his role as a father. Ted says he expected that a child would be a lot of hard work, but worthwhile, but he didn't know that he would love our child so much. He says that Sam brings so much joy to his life. I love how much my husband loves me and how much he loves our son; it makes the hard parts of parenting so much easier. Ted doesn't just love Sam when he is happy and cute; he also loves him when he is crying hysterically for no reason. You might think that babies are always easy to love, but they're not. Sometimes you want to tell them, hey, I'm doing a lot for you; you better just buck up and be happy, but Ted's not like that. I'm so grateful  for him and for his example and that I have such a wonderful partner to parent with.

I feel like by becoming parents, Ted and I have arrived at the crux of God's Plan of Salvation. This is what it's all for: everything I've learned and done in my life has been preparing me for this moment, for this great undertaking of bringing another of God's children into the world to get a physical body and to learn and grow until he is ready to do the same, and the cycle goes on and on, each generation preparing the next generation to take on this great responsibility of bringing children into the world, teaching them to make good choices, and preparing them for the day when they will also be parents and have a profound influence on someone else's life and the kind of person that child grows up to be. Each generation teaching the next what they need to do to gain salvation and to help others attain that same eternal goal. 

Only, I feel like my generation has forgotten that they have this responsibility. Most of the people I know from high school are putting off marriage and children longer and longer, if they have any plans to go in that direction at all. The focus is all on "me," "my" needs, "my" wants, who cares about the next generation? Marriage is overrated, and kids aren't all that convenient. HELLO! Marriage and kids is what it is ALL about! Forming strong families who can love and support each other through the trials of life and who can grow and learn together how to be better and how to become more like God is what it's all about. That's the purpose of this life. That's where the true, lasting joy comes from. Sure, keeping a marriage together and raising kids is hard. All things that are worth doing are hard. And marriage and children is so worth it! I'm still just barely getting into this stage of my life, but I am already learning so much and becoming better and more like my Savior as I try to be the kind of wife and mother that God wants me to be, knows I can be, with His help. I wouldn't trade my little family for anything, and I'm so grateful that by following God's plan I have the opportunity to keep them forever.

The Transition to Motherhood

I am not one of those people who has always dreamed of growing up to become a successful career woman. It was a sad day when I realized that the whole point of going to school is to get a job. I thought you went to school because learning is fun. That's why I got a master's degree: I didn't want to grow up yet - I just wanted to keep learning. And then I wanted to get married, have kids, and then stay home and raise those kids.

Life didn't quite work out as expected. You see, you have to pay for a master's degree (well, most of us do - Library Science isn't one of those degrees like Chemistry or Psychology where they pay you to go to school). And you can't afford it (at least poor newlywed Angie couldn't), so you have to take out student loans. Then you realize that going into debt for school means you better earn some money with that degree to pay off those loans or all that education was a wasted investment. And that means work, not babies. You think someone would have explained all this to me. If they did, I wasn't listening very well. I had to learn this lesson the hard way (I hate learning things the hard way). 

So, 4 1/2 years later, we have a wiser Angie finally getting around to having her first child at the age of 29 - not the original plan, but we can work with it. At least we got some good work experience at a library in the meantime - the absolute best place to work if you have to have a job.

Getting pregnant took a little longer than expected - we started trying at our third year anniversary and weren't successful until nearly our fourth - but that was probably a blessing, since that put us that much closer to Ted's graduation. The pregnancy itself was pretty much a dream pregnancy; to this day I have heard of many, many pregnancy symptoms but have actually experienced very few myself. I can vouch for the incessant need to pee, the emotional roller coaster, and the back discomfort when you start getting bigger, but that's about it. No morning sickness - what a miracle!

I was very concerned about the labor and delivery part of pregnancy, but that actually went much better than expected as well. I had to be induced and the contractions were not very much fun, but four hours later Sam came into the world, no epidural necessary. I give all the credit to my birth coach, Breckann Foster, and to my awesome body that apparently knows exactly how having a baby is supposed to work and just got it done. Ted didn't even pass out. And we ended up with a healthy 8lbs 9oz baby boy. Successful birth experience #1 - check!

Before having Sam, I was not very concerned about postpartum life. I thought getting the baby here was the hard part, and then everything would be easy breezy after that. Sure, it would take some adjusting, but nothing I couldn't handle. 

Boy was I wrong! Getting the baby here was the easy part (at least when you have the low-key pregnancy and quick labor and delivery that I did)! Caring for a newborn is the hard part. Adjusting to life as a mother is the hard part. 

The first couple weeks with newborn baby Sam were pretty much a nightmare. You don't know what tired is until you've given birth to a baby (quite the athletic event) and then tried to live off of no sleep while your body tries to recover. I've pulled overnighters for school before. I've done half-marathons. Those experiences were nothing compared to this. And the worst part is, it doesn't matter if you know what your body needs to recover or for you to feel better - that doesn't mean you can have it. The baby needs to eat, and if you're breast feeding, you're the only one that can feed that baby. And if he wants to eat every hour for several hours each night, you are the one that has to be awake every single time. And on top of that, breast feeding hurts in the beginning. Let's just say I had a hard time loving this creature that wouldn't let me sleep and was always hurting me.

Aside from the physical pain and exhaustion of life with a newborn, I was also going through a major identity crisis. I used to be this normal person who did all these different things in my life. Suddenly I was this emotionally unstable zombie who had no energy and did nothing all day except feed the baby, try to sleep, feed the baby, eat, feed the baby, try to shower, feed the baby, sleep, feed the baby... Who was I, and why would anyone ever want to hang out with me? Was I going to be tired with no energy forever? Would I ever be a normal human being again? What had I gotten myself into?

For those of you who have yet to experience new motherhood, don't worry - the physical exhaustion and emotional trauma I just described does not last forever. By the end of the second week, breast feeding was way better and I started feeling like less of a victim. About three weeks in, Sam was sleeping way better at night and crying a lot less. By six weeks, Sam and I had established a kind of groove, and the majority of my energy and motivation to do things other than take care of a baby had returned. 

Now that Sam is two months old, life with a baby has become much more like what I originally imagined life with a baby would be like. Taking care of a baby is still a lot of work, but I know how to do it; Sam has adjusted to life outside the womb and only cries when he is hungry, bored, tired, or uncomfortable and stops when his needs are met; Sam and I are both sleeping enough to function; I love Sam, and he knows who I am and smiles at me now; in short, life is much better - different than life without a baby, but manageable. And much better than working full-time. :) 

I will be eternally grateful to those who helped me during those first few weeks of transitioning to life as a mother. For the nurse who offered to take Sam to the nursery that second night in the hospital and gave Ted and I four hours of much-needed sleep. For Sam's two grandmas who sacrificed hours and hours of their time and sleep to take care of a crying baby so that I could sleep. For my sister who made delicious meals for us to eat every night that first week of Sam's life. For my best friend who coached me through Sam's birth and gave me the love and support I needed after. For all the moms I talked to who validated me and the hard experiences I was going through with a newborn. And most of all for my wonderful husband, who loved Sam from the very beginning and was the calm foundation of our family during all the emotional storms and turmoil Sam and I were experiencing. I am truly blessed with many wonderful people in my life that I was able to rely on in my time of need. Thank you all.

Easter Sunday and My Thoughts on the Savior

I finally decided to join the blog world. The inspiration I received on Sunday about the Savior finally made me decide I needed a place to share these kinds of thoughts and inspiration.

Sunday was Easter. Easter is the time when we celebrate the Savior's Atonement and Resurrection. Lately I've been trying to come to know the Savior better and to feel His love more fully in my life. Intellectually, I know Jesus Christ was and is an amazing man. I know that He is the Son of God, and that He loves all of God's children so much that He was willing to suffer and to die to give us all a chance to repent and be forgiven of our sins so we can return to live with our Heavenly Father again. 

I know these things, but often I have a difficult time internalizing this knowledge and feeling the appropriate amount of gratitude and love for my Savior. I know what He did was great and I'm grateful, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around who He is and what He did and to feel all the implications of that deep down in my heart. It's hard to really know and love someone and feel their love in return when you can't spend time with that person, at least for me.

So I've been praying to have a better understanding of my relationship with the Savior and to feel His love more in my life, to be able to really give Him "all [my] heart, might, mind and strength." The talks in church on Sunday were focused on Christ and the Atonement in honor of Easter, and I got some good ideas from those on how to work on building a personal relationship with the Savior. Then, on our drive back to Logan (we were down in Utah County visiting family for Easter weekend), we listened to the song "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe. Here are the lyrics to the first verse and the chorus, in case you don't know it:

I can only imagine 

What it will be like 

When I walk 

By your side 

I can only imagine 

What my eyes will see 

When your face 

Is before me 

I can only imagine 

[Chorus:]

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel 

Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still 

Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall 

Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all 

I can only imagine 

I've always loved this song, but this time as I listened to it, I really started to ponder how I might react when I am in Christ's presence again, how I would want that meeting to go. As I pondered, I suddenly saw this image of myself giving Christ a big hug and saying, "I missed you so much!" 

This image of our reunion gave me a new perspective on my relationship with the Savior. It made me realize that it's very likely that I did have a close, personal relationship with Jesus Christ before this life, that we would have known each other well as members of the same family, God's family, and that we would have talked and spent time together. He loves me because He knows me personally, His younger sister. I already have a close relationship with Him, I just can't remember it right now. He and I are just in the "interruption" stage of our relationship, as President Dieter F. Uchtdorf discussed in his recent General Conference address (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng), but that doesn't make the relationship any less real, and someday when I see Him again I will remember. So, rather than try to build a relationship with someone I can't see, I'm just trying to remember a relationship I already have.

It makes the Savior seem so much more real to me to imagine Him as a dear friend that I am currently parted from but who still loves me and whom I will see again. When I see Him again, I will tell Him how much I missed Him and how grateful I am that He never gave up on me despite my sins and weaknesses, but that He did what was necessary to rescue me and to bring me back home to live with Him and with my Heavenly Father once again. What a glorious day that will be! Happy Easter everyone!