I am not one of those people who has always dreamed of growing up to become a successful career woman. It was a sad day when I realized that the whole point of going to school is to get a job. I thought you went to school because learning is fun. That's why I got a master's degree: I didn't want to grow up yet - I just wanted to keep learning. And then I wanted to get married, have kids, and then stay home and raise those kids.
Life didn't quite work out as expected. You see, you have to pay for a master's degree (well, most of us do - Library Science isn't one of those degrees like Chemistry or Psychology where they pay you to go to school). And you can't afford it (at least poor newlywed Angie couldn't), so you have to take out student loans. Then you realize that going into debt for school means you better earn some money with that degree to pay off those loans or all that education was a wasted investment. And that means work, not babies. You think someone would have explained all this to me. If they did, I wasn't listening very well. I had to learn this lesson the hard way (I hate learning things the hard way).
So, 4 1/2 years later, we have a wiser Angie finally getting around to having her first child at the age of 29 - not the original plan, but we can work with it. At least we got some good work experience at a library in the meantime - the absolute best place to work if you have to have a job.
Getting pregnant took a little longer than expected - we started trying at our third year anniversary and weren't successful until nearly our fourth - but that was probably a blessing, since that put us that much closer to Ted's graduation. The pregnancy itself was pretty much a dream pregnancy; to this day I have heard of many, many pregnancy symptoms but have actually experienced very few myself. I can vouch for the incessant need to pee, the emotional roller coaster, and the back discomfort when you start getting bigger, but that's about it. No morning sickness - what a miracle!
I was very concerned about the labor and delivery part of pregnancy, but that actually went much better than expected as well. I had to be induced and the contractions were not very much fun, but four hours later Sam came into the world, no epidural necessary. I give all the credit to my birth coach, Breckann Foster, and to my awesome body that apparently knows exactly how having a baby is supposed to work and just got it done. Ted didn't even pass out. And we ended up with a healthy 8lbs 9oz baby boy. Successful birth experience #1 - check!
Before having Sam, I was not very concerned about postpartum life. I thought getting the baby here was the hard part, and then everything would be easy breezy after that. Sure, it would take some adjusting, but nothing I couldn't handle.
Boy was I wrong! Getting the baby here was the easy part (at least when you have the low-key pregnancy and quick labor and delivery that I did)! Caring for a newborn is the hard part. Adjusting to life as a mother is the hard part.
The first couple weeks with newborn baby Sam were pretty much a nightmare. You don't know what tired is until you've given birth to a baby (quite the athletic event) and then tried to live off of no sleep while your body tries to recover. I've pulled overnighters for school before. I've done half-marathons. Those experiences were nothing compared to this. And the worst part is, it doesn't matter if you know what your body needs to recover or for you to feel better - that doesn't mean you can have it. The baby needs to eat, and if you're breast feeding, you're the only one that can feed that baby. And if he wants to eat every hour for several hours each night, you are the one that has to be awake every single time. And on top of that, breast feeding hurts in the beginning. Let's just say I had a hard time loving this creature that wouldn't let me sleep and was always hurting me.
Aside from the physical pain and exhaustion of life with a newborn, I was also going through a major identity crisis. I used to be this normal person who did all these different things in my life. Suddenly I was this emotionally unstable zombie who had no energy and did nothing all day except feed the baby, try to sleep, feed the baby, eat, feed the baby, try to shower, feed the baby, sleep, feed the baby... Who was I, and why would anyone ever want to hang out with me? Was I going to be tired with no energy forever? Would I ever be a normal human being again? What had I gotten myself into?
For those of you who have yet to experience new motherhood, don't worry - the physical exhaustion and emotional trauma I just described does not last forever. By the end of the second week, breast feeding was way better and I started feeling like less of a victim. About three weeks in, Sam was sleeping way better at night and crying a lot less. By six weeks, Sam and I had established a kind of groove, and the majority of my energy and motivation to do things other than take care of a baby had returned.
Now that Sam is two months old, life with a baby has become much more like what I originally imagined life with a baby would be like. Taking care of a baby is still a lot of work, but I know how to do it; Sam has adjusted to life outside the womb and only cries when he is hungry, bored, tired, or uncomfortable and stops when his needs are met; Sam and I are both sleeping enough to function; I love Sam, and he knows who I am and smiles at me now; in short, life is much better - different than life without a baby, but manageable. And much better than working full-time. :)
I will be eternally grateful to those who helped me during those first few weeks of transitioning to life as a mother. For the nurse who offered to take Sam to the nursery that second night in the hospital and gave Ted and I four hours of much-needed sleep. For Sam's two grandmas who sacrificed hours and hours of their time and sleep to take care of a crying baby so that I could sleep. For my sister who made delicious meals for us to eat every night that first week of Sam's life. For my best friend who coached me through Sam's birth and gave me the love and support I needed after. For all the moms I talked to who validated me and the hard experiences I was going through with a newborn. And most of all for my wonderful husband, who loved Sam from the very beginning and was the calm foundation of our family during all the emotional storms and turmoil Sam and I were experiencing. I am truly blessed with many wonderful people in my life that I was able to rely on in my time of need. Thank you all.
