Emotional dependency is something I’ve struggled a lot with in my life.
For a long time I didn’t know I was becoming emotionally dependent on people—I just thought I was loving them. Untangling what was healthy love from what was unhealthy emotional dependency was a long, painful process. It took years of hard work and lots and lots of tears.
Even now (I’m embarrassed to admit), I find myself tempted sometimes to walk the emotional dependency road. Sometimes I feel a lot of shame about that. Ashamed to be struggling again with the same thing I worked so hard to overcome.
Every time this temptation comes up for me though, I learn something new and gain a little more insight into myself and why this is a problematic way to relate to others.
The hardest part is convincing my brain that emotional dependency really is a bad thing. My brain is pretty convinced that becoming less emotionally dependent on someone means becoming less invested in that person and my relationship with them. When I really like someone, becoming less invested feels like the wrong thing to do. It’s harder to break a habit when your brain is so convinced that what you’re trying to do to help your relationships is actually hurting them.
This time around in my battle with emotional dependency, the new thing I’ve realized that has helped me is that when I’m in that emotional dependency place, I’m not really loving the person I’m emotionally dependent on; I’m trying to get them to love me. Realizing that helps my brain understand that emotional dependency is not love. I’m trying to get something from someone, not give to them (all my giving is ultimately an effort to extract love and validation from this person, and when they don’t give it in the way I hope or expect, I experience a lot of negative emotions).
I realized that when I’m not in that emotional dependency place, my overall experience of the relationship is much more positive. I find myself more grateful for the opportunities I do have to spend time with this person. I trade in the heavy and complicated emotions I feel about them when I’m in a dependent place for a more simple enjoyment of their company. When I am in an emotionally dependent place, I experience a lot more anxiety and feelings of lack in the relationship. Being able to go back and forth and see the good fruit of healthy love and the bad fruit of emotional dependency helps me gain my own testimony that emotional dependency is hurting me and my relationships, not helping them.
Emotional dependency is not about loving people in a selfless way; it’s about taking from people in a self-centered way. And the fruit it yields is an increase in negative emotions and a decrease in gratitude for the goodness that is being offered to me. That’s the truth I’ve learned about emotional dependency.
