On Childbirth and the Care of Infants
Since becoming a mother, I’ve found that discussions about childbirth and infant care can be as fraught as any political or religious discussion. There is a great deal of judgment and guilt attached to the various options available to someone trying to birth or care for a baby, as if giving birth and caring for an infant aren’t hard enough by themselves without the added weight of other people’s self-righteous opinions about what the best choices are for ALL babies and mothers. As if the situations, temperaments, struggles, and needs of different baby and mother combinations are not as varied as the designs of each feathery ice crystal that swirls to the ground in a winter storm.
There are so many questions to answer for prospective mothers. Where should I give birth to my baby? Hospital? Birthing center? At home? Who should I choose as my primary caregiver during my pregnancy and birth? Obstetrician? Midwife? Should I hire a doula? Should I get an epidural or go natural? What childbirth class should I take? Lamaze? Bradley Method? Hypnobirthing? If my baby is breech, should I have a c-section or try to deliver vaginally? Should I circumcise my son or not? Breastfeed or bottle feed? Stay home or go back to work? Co-sleep or sleep-train? Disposable diapers or cloth? Or diaper free? Nursing cover or not? Vaccinations or not? The choices are endless, and your worth as a mother often seems to hang on each one.
My personal experience has included a variety of choices that have spanned the spectrum of ideal to nonideal by those who think they know. (The spectrum looks different depending on which childbirth and parenting sect you’re speaking with, but since the natural childbirthers seem to be the ones who are usually shouting the loudest and doing the largest amount of fear-mongering, I decided to rate my choices based on their spectrum.) I’ve delivered in a hospital with an obstetrician (nonideal), been induced (nonideal), labored and delivered without pain meds (ideal), had an episiotomy (nonideal), had a c-section (nonideal), breastfed (ideal), circumcised my son (nonideal), quit work to stay home with my children (ideal), co-slept (ideal), sleep-trained using the cry-it-out method (nonideal), used disposable diapers (nonideal), nursed in public with a cover (nonideal), nursed in public without a cover (ideal), vaccinated my children (nonideal), etc.
Despite where each of my choices has fallen on someone else’s spectrum, I don’t regret a single one of them. Each of those choices—although labeled ideal or nonideal by others—was the best choice for me and for my baby and situation. As a new mom, you often wish someone would tell you the “right” way to do all things parenting, but in the end, it is a huge relief to realize that you don’t have to do childbirth or parenting the way anyone else does it. You are actually the expert on what works best for you and your child and family.
As I prepare for the birth of my third child, I know I will be faced once more with a variety of choices and a variety of opinions on what choices I should make. As each birth and each baby is different, I don’t know yet what choices will end up working best for me and this particular child. Being a mother is all about flexibility, not certainty. Rather than joining any particular childbirth and parenting sect, I plan to continue picking and choosing what works best for me from each one and adapting as needed as each new child comes swirling into our lives, shifting the shape of our family with the force of their own unique needs and personality.
